THE MOST REHEARSED DEPARTURE SPEECH EVER
Previously, women cooed over sexy Prince Bignose. Erica cracked under pressure. That's enough with the recrap. 9 women remain, each hoping to become a real live princess.
Good luck. A ton of precrap spoils most but not all of the best bits of the evening.
As you may recall, last week I discovered two marvelous drinking games: a sip (or three) for every complaint out of Erica and a sip for every mention of the word "fairytale." If the two sipping games ever collide, you may drink as much as you need or desire. Other games could surface next week or the week after; for the moment, let's work with the same two as last week. And now, get a fresh bottle opened or make up a pitcher of your favorite cocktail. Let's go!
Chris' Moment in the Sun! We certainly will never make a drinking game out of Chris' facetime. His moment in the sun is just him telling everyone there are to be 3 dates: a group date, a 2 on 1 date and an individual date which will be chosen by … Ms. Rina Infantino, a foremost opera teacher. Is that like a "noted fashion photographer?" I'm feeling the love for Tyra. This season of America's Next Top Model is really awesome, unlike this season of The Blahchelor. He's rather dull and most of the women are super dull. Future supermodels >>>> future loser women who will disappear, hopefully never to be heard from again.
Anyway, our flock o' bitches are taught an aria, which they then perform individually in front of the whole class. Woo! We watch them squeak and squawk and generally make bloody awful noises. They might be good (bad?) enough for the rejects on American Idol, but this experiment in cross-over genres was not good.
Jeannette DRs, "I have not a single vocal chord in me." Miracle: she speaks! But that explains why she's been so silent all this time. We know nothing about her, but she is first or second to receive a rose each week. Of course, that's enough out of her. Time to move on.
Desiree explains that fortunately, the judging was not based on talent, but on how much you tried and your performance. Unfortunately for her, how much she tried and her performance both sucked.
The teacher claims she was impressed with three of them, but since they all sucked, it's hard to tell whose sucked less. The pre-chosen winner for this alone-date is Jami, who receives a night at the opera with Lorenzoh!
Date at the Opera. Lorenzo is excited to bring Jami to the opera. "We both love music and it'll be a perfect date." Uh oh. Loving music and loving opera are not inclusive. She appears wearing a bright red dress and bright white gloves. From afar the dress is fetching, if gawdy, but up close Jami looks uncomfortable. I think she'd be happier in a pantsuit. He produces another "small" surprise: a huge necklace of diamonds and garnets, hers to wear for the evening. "It's a fairytale come true," she coos. Indeed. Sip.
Naturally a disembodied voice pipes in telling us how wrong Jami is for Lorenzo. It can be no one other than Erica. Luckily we've all got fresh drinks! Sips all round. Eventually Erica herself appears onscreen to bluntly conclude they're simply not compatible. "Her tattoos, his prince-ness. Need I say more?" Can she shut up? No. According to Erica, "No way is Jami getting a rose." That's worth at least a couple more sips.
On the drive, Jami gushes about finally getting a chance to spend time with Lorenzo. "This is fabulous!" It's a pity it took a mediocre "singing" performance to earn Jami this time, but that's how it is. This is her time to shine.
He DRs she's beautiful. "Words were going thru my head but I can't describe them. All I know is she's wearing 2 million dollars worth of diamonds and what if she disappears with them? Can my business afford the loss?" Okay, I may have extrapolated just a tad.
The precrap offers no sipping opportunities. But the ads do! Janice Dickinson is on Top Model this week and she is the first top Supermodel Bitch. Sip! Sure, why not?
When we return, Jami & Lorenzo are entering an empty opera theatre so they can gaze up at the ceiling. Will a performance even happen? She voices over she's a small town girl living in a crazy world. Now that she's won a singing competition, there'll be no stopping her. Look out, Nashville Star! It's "the most surreal moment I think I've ever had before." Oh, dear, isn't she sure? That can't be a good sign.
He asks if she'd be willing to sing. "I hear you had the best voice." "Oh, no!" she tries to beg off. "Not the best voice, but the best stage performance. There's a big difference. And I don't have the words in front of me. My throat is dry." Unluckily for everyone, Lorenzo was given the words just in case she made that lame excuse and he produces them and thrusts a drink at her for good measure. She has no choice but to stand up and demonstrate her "skills." She sings: it's horrible. Let's move on.
Gracious and gallant as ever, Lorenzo stands and applauds. "That was the best opera I've ever seen." Note he said "seen" and not "heard." Diplomatic to the last.
Meanwhile, Desiree, Jeannette, Jennifer, Lisa, Gina and Sadie discover their names in the newly arrived date box, which promises another bikini-clad extravaganza, this time to Tuscany. "Pack your bags, ya'll!" Squeals and shrieks ensue. I wonder if we could make a side sipping game of the squealing and shrieking. Not this week so much, but maybe for the hometown hoedowns, two weeks from now.
Back to Jami, who wants to know something about Lorenzo. He "reveals" he's passionate about family and friends. He talks to them and tells them stuff. Wow.
Jami's face reflects her inner conflict: should she beg him to spill some of that info, or just take another sip of her
drink? The drink wins. God, how dull can you get? This is ludicrous. No wonder nobody is all that interested in this show anymore. It's so repetitive!
Jami says when her family gets together for Christmas and Thanksgiving, it's great. She's a perfect match for Lorenzo: she's as dull as him. But
then she says, "It's better now than when my parents were married." So her parents are divorced, yet the whole family still gets together for the
holidays. Suddenly she is too interesting for Lorenzo. LOL.
Just then, the curtain opens and an opera singer who may or may not be named Tutoyo steps out and sings a song. Jami and Lorenzo dance, awkwardly. Even from as far away as we are (and we're remarkably far away), they don't look like a proper couple. In order that no doubt remains, Lorenzo voices over he doesn't feel the physical chemistry. She clinks her glass to his, but the cause, it is lost.
Lorenzo looks at the rose. The camera looks at the rose. Jami looks at the rose. Lorenzo sighs and Jami tries to look hopeful. He says he has to be honest. Uh oh. "This was the most romantic evening of my life. But it was like dancing with my best friend. I can't give you that rose. I care for you too much." Dude! Make some sense! Lorenzo is just a little carried away with his own awesomeness at being caring and concerned for the well-being of others.
Poor Jami looks exceptionally crestfallen. I think on some level she realizes they didn't have that special spark. She says she appreciates the honesty and won't forget the evening. Much as she'd like to forget the evening, it will lodge in her craw for years to come. Poor kid. It's got to be worse to be rejected on the alone date than simply sent packing along with a few others. I hope she enjoyed wearing the jewels. Her ego and pride are crushed. She's tearful. She's in shock, disbelief, and so disappointed. She felt so special tonight. "It's the most horrible feeling." What, feeling special? Oh, I shouldn't make jokes. It's awful to go from feeling special to feeling lower than worm poop. This show is quite horrible, really, isn't it?
Lorenzo voices over if he'd given her the rose, he'd have been giving her the wrong idea. True enough and I see his point. It's just that in trying to cushion the blow, I think he made it worse. How can you tell someone you care about her too much to give her the rose? It's not like they took a questionnaire, or he picked her for the date. But it's still rather horrible. She seems a nice enough girl. He puts her into a car and then stands there holding the expensive diamond & garnet necklace. Talk about tacky! But if we hadn't seen him with the necklace, we'd have wondered what happened to it. Off she goes to make DRs in the street. "I let my guard down. It was not about the diamonds, it was about finding my true love. This wasn't the time for it." What a sensible girl. Well, Jami, best of luck.
Precrap says "9 women, 6 roses." But Jami left. Will she return for the rose ceremony? Can this show not afford decent continuity? Ads.
Group Date in Tuscany. When we return, it's time for the Tuscany date. Lorenzo is so excited. He will be more excited than they can ever imagine. His excitement is my heartburn. The group date gang hop on a romantic bus.
Gina points out that Lisa, Sadie and Jennifer have received alone dates. That's Gina's facetime dealt with.
Lisa DRs it's her first group date. She isn't looking forward to finding out what it's like to share him, even if she does say it will be "interesting."
Jennifer: "I didn't have words." Isn't she the teacher? All of a sudden she looks like a non-winner, er, a loser. I'd been rooting for her, too. Oh, well. That's how it is on this show. Hardly anyone has what it takes to be a princess.
Lorenzo is supposed to teach them to wine-taste, but he says he doesn't know from swirling or any other fancy techniques. Good thing we didn't waste too much time oohing and aahing over the pseudo-reason for this date.
Desiree is so excited she can't breathe. Are you sick of hearing how "excited" everyone is? I am.
Jeannette takes Lorenzo for 1 on 1 time. They eat a grape off the vine. She says, "I'm not that hard to read." "Yeah, you are." "I'm not going to throw myself out there, because it's vying for attention." Am I the only one who thought that was the point of going on the show, to put oneself out there and vie for attention? Lorenzo DRs he was "blown away" with her honesty. I'm blown away by his stupidité.
Lisa complains about the lack of romance, what with having to fight off 5 other girls. "My one on one date was more romantic." Picnic in a park, hugging trees, contracting poison ivy. Uh huh. Look at me, I'm all a-swoon.
"I'm biting my tongue," says Desiree, speaking about Lisa. "A girl like that who gets the first dates and so on, she's not worth my time." Desiree may be slightly touched in the head but Lisa definitely rubs me the wrong way with her super chipper attitude and under-current of seething something or other.
Back at the house, Erica complains that all the girls she likes are out on the date, and here she is, "stuck with Agnes." Agnese enters the room (which incidentally looks like the kitchen. Is Erica drowning her sorrows with ice cream? It's possible.) She brings the date box. The note informs them, "One stays, one goes." Now they know the ugly truth of the new rules of the two-on-one date. Agnese throws down the gauntlet, "The rose is mine." Erica retorts, "I don't think so, bitch." Agnese DRs, "She's crazee. Not so pretty."
Ads, with precrap. So basically, only one woman is NOT getting a rose at the ceremony. Man, that sure seems tacky. Later, I realize how much that one woman reveled in her true golden opportunity.
Handing out a Rose in Tuscany. We linger awhile staring at a big moon. The girls are in Tuscany, ostensibly for wine-tasting. There's a bar and the rose. Sadie the Virgin sees the rose and claims it changed the mood. Revealed the underlying nervousness and bitchiness, I expect.
Here comes Lorenzo. The girls are wearing outfits they were probably instructed to pack, but why tell us? It's a modest surprise to see them in their matching black sheath dresses. Oops, spoke too soon. Only two girls wear what appears to be the exact same dress. For a moment there, I thought the girls were to be given a wine-serving challenge. "Serving Wenches: let's see how you perform in a subservient position." I still lament the lack of Amazing Race-like clues and tasks. That would liven up these rather dull, stilted and usually predictable proceedings.
Lorenzo, however, is wearing shorts that look like dressy boxers. He's paired the undergarment with a tee shirt. "Am I under-dressed?" he asks in what I'm sure he thinks of as his boyishly charming way. For some of these women, Lorenzo, you're always over-dressed. Come out nude one of these days, mmmkay?
The alone-time sessions commence. First are Lorenzo and Sadie. She chooses this moment to reveal her supah secret. They're laying on a couple of chaise longues, or possibly just fancy beach chairs. She provides the backstory that we heard already, complete with vow to reveal the secret before one of the other bitches beats her to it. She pins a particularly gooey smile on her face and says, "I am so serious about relationships and stuff. But I'm saving myself for marriage." There is something unappealing about her face when she says "merrage:" it's like she is a pious good-girl who is still trying to be seen as "fun" and "with it." 23 year old virgins are never going to be "with it."
Lorenzo's face is a picture of self-imposed tranquility. It's impossible to tell if he's elated but afraid to show he is also afraid of sex, or disappointed and wondering how he can politely boot this otherwise lovely young woman. I think a decision is made.
Lorenzo: "It's something I'd never ask you. I appreciate and admire you for it." So he's not going to boot her this week. But when he starts to think about it, he'll realize her commitment to remaining a virgin is likely the product of a strict religious upbringing, something which will color their whole lives. Unless he too is very religious (and the fact he's kept Desiree this long tells me he is not), the union of Lorenzo and Sadie won't happen.
"I've never dated a virgin." Spoken with wonderment, almost as if he would like to try it. And hey! Whaddaya know? He IS trying it, on this very show. Is she the girl to take on a fantasy overnight? I wouldn't have thought so, but then again, at least he'd know he'd get one night off.
He manages to be gallant with Sadie, but it's hardly a stretch. "Gallant" is his middle name. He may actually be desperate to escape the cloying goodness of her self-control and simpering lips. "Do you want to go back down?" Heh, naughty thoughts! Sadie says no, but agrees, "We should."
Lisa's 1 on 1 is next. First, Jeannette DRs she gets a weird vibe from Lisa, setting us up for the precrap at the end of the episode. Lorenzo assures Lisa he had a great time on their individual date, which hello? 2 episodes ago? Can we move on already? Oh, wait, now they acknowledge they've hardly seen each other since then. He asks if he can kiss her and she says yes. Uh oh. Remember when Bob Guineapig would kiss the women instead of talking? Not boding so well for Lisa, in my opinion. While they smooch she voices over her timeline again, in case we'd forgotten the reason for her ultimate dismissal, possibly after next week's episode, but more likely before the final two Showdown.
Back at the house, Agnese and Erica inhabit the same ginormous castle with great difficulty. Erica tells us she communicates with Agnese by speaking slowly with an Italian accent. "I tire-ed. I. Go. To. Bed. Now." Did she just put her head on her hands to simulate going sleepy-byes? If she didn't, she should have.
Back to the date. Got whiplash yet? Lorenzo and the girls are in the pool, playing Truth or Dare. Desiree is dared to share a piece of food with Lorenzo, using her mouth. She willingly puts the item (a large ball-like object) in her mouth and swans over to him. He takes it from her with his mouth and everyone swoons at the faux-sex play.
Sadie wants some Truth. "What girls in the house have you kissed?" Here's a bit of truth: you need to learn your grammar. Lorenzo realizes he has passionately kissed one or two, but he doesn't want to reveal which girls have sampled his slobber. Instead, he is diplomatic yet truthful: "I have kissed each and every single one of you." The penny drops but it takes some of them longer to figure out he means he kissed all of them on the cheek. Aww.
Sadie is mad at Lorenzo. He asks why and either she simply glared at him or I missed what she said. I do think she's mad because he didn't reveal whom he's kissed, which she views as a betrayal. I think she felt her revelation of virginity somehow deserved a similar revelation on his part. She's a little sleazy under her "good girl" posturing. Asking the question was itself in poor taste, but getting mad because he refused to "kiss and tell" shows complete lack of class.
Lisa DRs she thinks he wanted to protect the fact that they've shared a romantic kiss. I think he wanted to protect the fact that he's kissed other girls too. Let Tree-Hugger think she's special for a little while longer. Didn't we see Desiree get a kiss? I'm feeling dizzy and it's only episode three.
Next for one-on-one is Jennifer. "Why do you like teaching?" "I kind of fell into it." Oh, and? She explains she was a substitute teacher for a while. Still hasn't answered the question. They hold hands and she adds, "It's a rewarding profession." She is overcome with emotion as she tells him this, and I wonder if it's because she's just now realizing what she'd really like to be doing. Not that she's going to tell him and all of us. Maybe she realizes how much she loves teaching, even though she didn't love it at first. Whatever, I've had those moments of realization while talking with someone who's technically a stranger. I know the feeling of being suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. He gives her a kiss on the lips. Good thing they already played Truth or Dare.
The girls wonder what the deal is. Lorenzo makes another treacly speech. This is officially tiresome. He's just so sweet and loving and when will we learn what's wrong with him? "You all deserve a rose. If I had 6, I'd give them to you." Oy. That's the point, goof. If you have 6 roses, there's no reason to have a show. You have to make choices.
He continues, "For now, I'm going to give it to Jeannette." Sounds naughty! But I'm surprised. Sadie must be worried about even getting a rose at all after spilling her big secret. Lorenzo continues, "We had a wonderful talk and I like that you were so honest." Now Sadie must be wondering what secret the other girl told. As far as we know, Jeannette's revelation wasn't all that much, just that she fell into teaching (unless she told him something really explosive or really personal and he asked it not be shown) Now I doubt Sadie will make final 2, never mind win. I could be wrong but I've got a reasonable track record. Lisa DRs she got a first kiss, hoping to convince herself it still counts for something, while Sadie DRs that maybe she shouldn't have been so open about saving herself for merrage. Girl, your original thinking was correct. It's better for him to hear it from you than from one of the other girls.
Erica DRs (wearing a tiara of course) that Agnese would not make a princess. Erica is one of the more entertaining girls on this season, and even she's repetitive and dull. Ads.
Two-Fer Date. The group date girls return so Lisa can DR there will be drama on the Erica & Agnese date. You can't get anything past that Lisa. The two girls make dueling DRs:
Erica: "All I know is, the one who gets the rose stays and the one who doesn't, leaves." You can't get anything past that Erica.
Agnese: "I'm going to get the rose no matter what."
Lorenzo: "I don't know which girl I'm going to do, I mean, pick."
The girls are at Lorenzo's castle, I think, but it's not really made clear until later in the episode. They're all standing around the limo, about to leave, when he announces he planned to take them out on the town, but has a better idea. I think he realized dumping Erica in a restaurant would be messier and more embarrassing (for himself) than dumping her in the semi-privacy of home. They go back in the castle, find some Lorenzo pajamas to wear and eat pizza. Erica is naturally the one to spot the rose. They munch on pizza, laughing and joking. Then it's time for the one-on-ones.
Lorenzo takes Erica outside. She looks kind of cold standing in her bare feet on the cobblestones wearing thin pajamas, but Lorenzo doesn't seem to care. "Do you feel a stronger connection to me?" he wants to know. I doubt he cares about her answer to the question. Ever since that first explosive conversation, Lorenzo has been disinterested in Erica, and may have only kept her because the producers made him do so. Erica immediately launches in with more of her life story, without really answering the question. "I've been to Rome before and I've been wined and dined and taken for helicopter rides. None of the activities you have planned are new for me." Poor Lorenzo. He does look a little crestfallen here. After all, helicoptering was new to him. She's still talking: "For me it's all about you. Do you have any more things you'd like to know about me?" Hahaha. All about you = all about what you think about me. Erica's picture should be in the dictionary under "self-absorption." Lorenzo sounds fed up. "No, I definitely know you." That doesn't sound good. In fact, it sounds bad. From even the little we've seen, what we know of her really sucks. I can't imagine his experience has been vastly different or better.
Erica then gives a terrifically bitchy DR in which she lists the "qualities" of the other girls. "Jami has tattoos and no college degree. Jeanette is skanky. Desiree is a whore. Agnes doesn't speak English. Sadie is a virgin, which admittedly is rare. Gina is a kicked dog. Lisa is one notch up from being a whore. Who else is there? Oh, Jennifer. Well, she's highly forgettable." Okay, so I didn't quite capture her speech verbatim, but that was the general tone. The Sadie part is correct. It stuck in my mind because of Erica's concession that 23 year old virgins are rare. The whole speech is worth as many sips as you have or can stand.
Back at the house, the girls agree Agnese will be coming back with the rose.
Speaking of Agnese, it's time for her turn alone with Lorenzo. She chose a pair of dog boxers. One might say, "How appropriate," but she's actually a lovely girl whose main black mark is her lack of English. He voices over he likes her but continues to lament the language barrier. One of these weeks he might end up using that as his "you are so beautiful but goodbye" speech. They sit down to chat and she shows off her improved linguistic skill. Agnese says she loves to talk with her friends and to say what she thinks but it's more difficult to do so in English.
Lorenzo: "Are the other girls helping you?"
Agnese: "Some, not all."
Lorenzo: "Your English is so much better than the first day!"
AMAI: "Do you suppose Erica counts as a helper or a hinderer in Agnese's mind?"
Suddenly Erica appears on an upper balcony overlooking the terrace where Agnese & Lorenzo are one-on-one-ing. She calls gaily down to them, "Hi, guys!" Lorenzo: "Are you missing us?" "Yes." Agnese waves her hand as if shooing a fly and calls, "Bye." That has to be the stupidest move in a long line of stupid moves Erica has made in this show alone. Her life must be filled with stupid moves. How does she imagine that interrupting Agnese's alone-time with Lorenzo will score points for herself?
Time for the Rose. "Erica, you really are an amazing girl. Not only beautiful but extremely bright. I do have to say that the way I view it is you would change and do whatever I said. So, Agnese will you accept this rose?"
Of course she will! Agnese hugs Lorenzo with a soupçon of "Screw you, Erica." Okay, maybe more than a soupçon.
Erica sits with a face that isn't so much unhappy looking, as it is the face of one who is plotting her next move. He accompanies her down some stairs, probably to ensure she leaves than anything else. Erica makes excuses all the way down. Lorenzo says something about how tonight was a 180, which I didn't understand. Was she so very nice? It seems impossible. Anyway, this scene is the one that was pre-crapped within an inch of its life, both last week, and throughout tonight's episode. Thank god we won't see it again! She begins crying, and it's hard to tell if it's fake. We cannot see her face to look for tears. She's moaning that people have judged her all her life. "And it's just not fair." But, Erica, you judge others, too. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. One must judge, but one must also be prepared to be judged.
Lorenzo says he knows people have two different sides, but such polar different sides? How come we only saw Erica's whining delusional side?
Erica is now in the car -- still wearing Lorenzo's pjs, I might add --- and still moaning he didn't give her a second chance and didn't get to know her and it's not fair and oh my god, I sure hope the other Erica Sippers brought enough booze, even though this drinking game could land us all in rehab. It's only the third episode of the season! It's too soon for babbling incoherency.
Lorenzo bottom-lines his problem with her. "You're too quick to judge." Ahhh. See, there's judging, and then there's pre-judging, which means jumping to unfounded conclusions, or judging on stereotypes. It's good to judge, but it's bad to pre-judge.
Lorenzo lies it was a pleasure to meet her. As he shuts the car door, I'm certain he's thinking, "It's an even greater pleasure to bid you goodbye."
Erica tries desperately to convince Lorenzo he's made a dreadful mistake. Trouble is, she's talking through a window that's only half-open. It's like she's in a cell, reiterating she's the right girl for him and she's born to be a princess and it's not fair she's being sent away and blah blah goodbye already. The car pulls away even though she's still talking.
In the car for her exit interview, Erica continues meandering like a drunken teenager through her litany of excuses all of which I'm sure she's used before. It's a shame she hasn't rehearsed and polished this speech more, given the use I'm sure she has made and will make of it in her lifetime. "Every guy I meet judges me for being from a privileged background and having money and wearing tiaras and being smart and pretty and wha wha wha it's just not fair!" You know the drill about sipping. Take one sip or twenty, whichever you prefer.
In case you were wondering, this speech of Erica's is not the one heralded by the title of this week's recap. That little beauty is coming up later! Does Erica's jumbled, stream-of-barely-conscious ramblings even deserve the term "speech?"
Anyway, our linguistically-challenged lovers currently stand on a balcony gazing soporifically at the night lights of Rome (I guess.) Suddenly, fireworks! Agnese is startled and spills her drink. We hop over to Bimbette Central to watch the other girls watching the fireworks. "Oh, I think they're coming from the castle," someone says. Back to Lorenzo,who goes in for a big kiss and I have to say, it looks like a more heartfelt and definitely longer lasting kiss than Lisa's. Heh.
Meanwhile, Erica continues moaning. And us with no time to prepare a fresh drink! We join her mid-grumble "… disgusting little gross fairytale. Guy meets gal, live happily ever after. I'm so bored of that story." Poor Erica. But woo! Jackpot! Erica Whining Sippers + Fairytale Sippers! OMG it's a dream come true!
Rose Ceremony. It's time to ditch one more gal. I was feeling sorry for that unnamed girl at the start of the episode, but by the time I saw who it was, I realized she's pleased to be the centre of unhappy attention. Agnese and Jeanette are allowed to sit on chairs because they already have roses. Jami and Erica were already sent packing.
Lorenzo produces yet another polished thank "each and every one" of you for your "incredible qualities" and "beautiful personalities" speech. Every week, a different one! But you see why they concocted a method to get rid of Erica mid-show. Her personality may make for compelling yet entertaining television, but it's not beautiful. Poor Lorenzo is quickly discovering how difficult this process is.
Perhaps to stress that her story of saving herself for a rainy day hasn't turned him off yet, Sadie is called first. He's even got a cute lil moniker for her: "Cute lil Sadie." She will of course accept. I bet her destiny is to be cruelly eliminated after a hot night on a fantasy overnight date. She looks quite lovely at the moment.
Does it? Yes, it does. The camera gives us a quick glimpse of Gina, who wears the same pained expression of expectant forbearance.
Lisa. He hasn't a cute lil moniker for her. There's a liplock, underscored with vibes from Lisa of "we've kissed so much more deeply than this but we must be discreet." Lorenzo doesn't seem to realize how much stock Lisa is putting into that kiss.
Jennifer. "Hello." "Hi." I'm not feeling Jennifer. I know she got one of the special date roses last week, but why do we know so little about her? We know a lot about Lisa and Agnese, and even Sadie. We even know more about Jeanette than about Jennifer.
Gina the kicked dog is shown! Again!!
The last rose is between Desiree and Gina. How often has Desiree been left to near the end of the line? More often than not, if memory serves. I should check my own recaps, shouldn't I? But even if she was chosen early in ep 1, as the field is narrowed, I tend to think that this particular bachelor is telegraphing his interest in the girls by their placement in the rose retrieval roll call. Not that I think Sadie is a prime pick - I do think she was called first as a courtesy, but I don't see Desiree in the final 2. Now, last week I would have been surprised if she weren't chosen for a fantasy overnight. However, since the family visit takes place at Final 4, it's possible that he would forego a no-strings attached fun-filled evening if he had three other women in whom he's more interested. I certainly don't want to see her leave now. And the final rose goes to …
Desiree. Yay! She is really quite endearing. She exhales visibly, having held her breath for three minutes. "Never thought a rose would mean so much, baby."
Gina Is Roseless and Alone. Finally. I'm certain she would deliver the same speech had she been eliminated in Episode 1. Her facial expressions at each Rose Ceremony have never altered from the same kicked dog ready to be beaten and rejected. I now think she signed up for the show with the sole intention of being booted, so she could Deliver The Big Speech. Finally, her moment to shine is here. Chris perfunctorily says he's sorry. His apology is not heartfelt. "Take a moment and say goodbye."
This is it! The moment she's been waiting for!! She's been waiting to deliver this speech since she was 10 years old!!!! Surely the producers and casting people for As The World Turns, All My Children and Days of Our Lives are watching. She has convinced herself they are. She's rehearsed this speech in her head, in front of her mirror, and perhaps even in front of her very best friend. She's thrown everything she's got into her moments. Tear ducts don't fail me now.
"I'm totally devastated. {buries face in hands} How could he pick {checks list} 6 others over me? {daubs eyes with dainty handkerchief} I would have given my everything to him. {looks longingly into camera} My life! My children!! {buries head in hands to apply Quik Tears} This is not my fairytale ending. {finally squeezes out tears} (Also, yay! A sip for the Fairytale Sippers!) I really, truly felt I would stay. {blows nose unattractively, yet convincingly.} I don't understand. {brushes hair out of face} I didn't find my Prince Charming in Italy. {clutches fresh hanky, opens eyes wide to indicate undying hope} He's out there, somewhere."
Next time. One lucky bachelorette flies away, maybe even with Lorenzo. What IS the definition of "luck" in this situation? There will be mucho kissing as Lorenzo readies himself for the nightmare overnight fantasy dates, two weeks hence. A couple of girls, including Desiree of course, run around a garden losing pieces of their bikinis which are just as quickly replaced with Little Blurry Circles. I wonder if a side sipping game would be worthwhile. After all, the chances are good that the nudist scene won't occur until sometime after the 30 minute mark, giving plenty of opportunity for LBC precrap'n'sip. Someone will tell other girls that Lisa knows how this show works, and therefore able to "do all the right things" in order to advance. The Big Question will be, is Lisa here for the right reasons? All I want to know is, will she utter the word "fairytale" so we can ensure sufficient inebriation?
We're not rid of her yet. Just when we thought she was gone, Erica is back to pit the bitches against each other. Producer placement, or a tiara in need of adjustment?
As credits roll, Lorenzo watches the women parade up and down beside the pool, "modeling." Their laughter verges on hysteria. In other news, a recent Lorenzo sighting at an ASPCA function reported he was supposedly promoting his pet spas, but was promoting himself just as much. He was getting kissy-faced with a batch of women, obviously accustomed to slobbering all over numerous women at the same time. The debate is on: did he find a woman to be his wife during this process, and simply played the gadabout to hide that fact, or is this another failed season? We'll know soon enough, if we can muster the enthusiasm to continue watching.
Thanks for reading.
Previously, women cooed over sexy Prince Bignose. Erica cracked under pressure. That's enough with the recrap. 9 women remain, each hoping to become a real live princess.
Good luck. A ton of precrap spoils most but not all of the best bits of the evening.
As you may recall, last week I discovered two marvelous drinking games: a sip (or three) for every complaint out of Erica and a sip for every mention of the word "fairytale." If the two sipping games ever collide, you may drink as much as you need or desire. Other games could surface next week or the week after; for the moment, let's work with the same two as last week. And now, get a fresh bottle opened or make up a pitcher of your favorite cocktail. Let's go!
Chris' Moment in the Sun! We certainly will never make a drinking game out of Chris' facetime. His moment in the sun is just him telling everyone there are to be 3 dates: a group date, a 2 on 1 date and an individual date which will be chosen by … Ms. Rina Infantino, a foremost opera teacher. Is that like a "noted fashion photographer?" I'm feeling the love for Tyra. This season of America's Next Top Model is really awesome, unlike this season of The Blahchelor. He's rather dull and most of the women are super dull. Future supermodels >>>> future loser women who will disappear, hopefully never to be heard from again.
Anyway, our flock o' bitches are taught an aria, which they then perform individually in front of the whole class. Woo! We watch them squeak and squawk and generally make bloody awful noises. They might be good (bad?) enough for the rejects on American Idol, but this experiment in cross-over genres was not good.
Jeannette DRs, "I have not a single vocal chord in me." Miracle: she speaks! But that explains why she's been so silent all this time. We know nothing about her, but she is first or second to receive a rose each week. Of course, that's enough out of her. Time to move on.
Desiree explains that fortunately, the judging was not based on talent, but on how much you tried and your performance. Unfortunately for her, how much she tried and her performance both sucked.
The teacher claims she was impressed with three of them, but since they all sucked, it's hard to tell whose sucked less. The pre-chosen winner for this alone-date is Jami, who receives a night at the opera with Lorenzoh!
Date at the Opera. Lorenzo is excited to bring Jami to the opera. "We both love music and it'll be a perfect date." Uh oh. Loving music and loving opera are not inclusive. She appears wearing a bright red dress and bright white gloves. From afar the dress is fetching, if gawdy, but up close Jami looks uncomfortable. I think she'd be happier in a pantsuit. He produces another "small" surprise: a huge necklace of diamonds and garnets, hers to wear for the evening. "It's a fairytale come true," she coos. Indeed. Sip.
Naturally a disembodied voice pipes in telling us how wrong Jami is for Lorenzo. It can be no one other than Erica. Luckily we've all got fresh drinks! Sips all round. Eventually Erica herself appears onscreen to bluntly conclude they're simply not compatible. "Her tattoos, his prince-ness. Need I say more?" Can she shut up? No. According to Erica, "No way is Jami getting a rose." That's worth at least a couple more sips.
On the drive, Jami gushes about finally getting a chance to spend time with Lorenzo. "This is fabulous!" It's a pity it took a mediocre "singing" performance to earn Jami this time, but that's how it is. This is her time to shine.
He DRs she's beautiful. "Words were going thru my head but I can't describe them. All I know is she's wearing 2 million dollars worth of diamonds and what if she disappears with them? Can my business afford the loss?" Okay, I may have extrapolated just a tad.
The precrap offers no sipping opportunities. But the ads do! Janice Dickinson is on Top Model this week and she is the first top Supermodel Bitch. Sip! Sure, why not?
When we return, Jami & Lorenzo are entering an empty opera theatre so they can gaze up at the ceiling. Will a performance even happen? She voices over she's a small town girl living in a crazy world. Now that she's won a singing competition, there'll be no stopping her. Look out, Nashville Star! It's "the most surreal moment I think I've ever had before." Oh, dear, isn't she sure? That can't be a good sign.
He asks if she'd be willing to sing. "I hear you had the best voice." "Oh, no!" she tries to beg off. "Not the best voice, but the best stage performance. There's a big difference. And I don't have the words in front of me. My throat is dry." Unluckily for everyone, Lorenzo was given the words just in case she made that lame excuse and he produces them and thrusts a drink at her for good measure. She has no choice but to stand up and demonstrate her "skills." She sings: it's horrible. Let's move on.
Gracious and gallant as ever, Lorenzo stands and applauds. "That was the best opera I've ever seen." Note he said "seen" and not "heard." Diplomatic to the last.
Meanwhile, Desiree, Jeannette, Jennifer, Lisa, Gina and Sadie discover their names in the newly arrived date box, which promises another bikini-clad extravaganza, this time to Tuscany. "Pack your bags, ya'll!" Squeals and shrieks ensue. I wonder if we could make a side sipping game of the squealing and shrieking. Not this week so much, but maybe for the hometown hoedowns, two weeks from now.
Back to Jami, who wants to know something about Lorenzo. He "reveals" he's passionate about family and friends. He talks to them and tells them stuff. Wow.
Jami's face reflects her inner conflict: should she beg him to spill some of that info, or just take another sip of her
drink? The drink wins. God, how dull can you get? This is ludicrous. No wonder nobody is all that interested in this show anymore. It's so repetitive!
Jami says when her family gets together for Christmas and Thanksgiving, it's great. She's a perfect match for Lorenzo: she's as dull as him. But
then she says, "It's better now than when my parents were married." So her parents are divorced, yet the whole family still gets together for the
holidays. Suddenly she is too interesting for Lorenzo. LOL.
Just then, the curtain opens and an opera singer who may or may not be named Tutoyo steps out and sings a song. Jami and Lorenzo dance, awkwardly. Even from as far away as we are (and we're remarkably far away), they don't look like a proper couple. In order that no doubt remains, Lorenzo voices over he doesn't feel the physical chemistry. She clinks her glass to his, but the cause, it is lost.
Lorenzo looks at the rose. The camera looks at the rose. Jami looks at the rose. Lorenzo sighs and Jami tries to look hopeful. He says he has to be honest. Uh oh. "This was the most romantic evening of my life. But it was like dancing with my best friend. I can't give you that rose. I care for you too much." Dude! Make some sense! Lorenzo is just a little carried away with his own awesomeness at being caring and concerned for the well-being of others.
Poor Jami looks exceptionally crestfallen. I think on some level she realizes they didn't have that special spark. She says she appreciates the honesty and won't forget the evening. Much as she'd like to forget the evening, it will lodge in her craw for years to come. Poor kid. It's got to be worse to be rejected on the alone date than simply sent packing along with a few others. I hope she enjoyed wearing the jewels. Her ego and pride are crushed. She's tearful. She's in shock, disbelief, and so disappointed. She felt so special tonight. "It's the most horrible feeling." What, feeling special? Oh, I shouldn't make jokes. It's awful to go from feeling special to feeling lower than worm poop. This show is quite horrible, really, isn't it?
Lorenzo voices over if he'd given her the rose, he'd have been giving her the wrong idea. True enough and I see his point. It's just that in trying to cushion the blow, I think he made it worse. How can you tell someone you care about her too much to give her the rose? It's not like they took a questionnaire, or he picked her for the date. But it's still rather horrible. She seems a nice enough girl. He puts her into a car and then stands there holding the expensive diamond & garnet necklace. Talk about tacky! But if we hadn't seen him with the necklace, we'd have wondered what happened to it. Off she goes to make DRs in the street. "I let my guard down. It was not about the diamonds, it was about finding my true love. This wasn't the time for it." What a sensible girl. Well, Jami, best of luck.
Precrap says "9 women, 6 roses." But Jami left. Will she return for the rose ceremony? Can this show not afford decent continuity? Ads.
Group Date in Tuscany. When we return, it's time for the Tuscany date. Lorenzo is so excited. He will be more excited than they can ever imagine. His excitement is my heartburn. The group date gang hop on a romantic bus.
Gina points out that Lisa, Sadie and Jennifer have received alone dates. That's Gina's facetime dealt with.
Lisa DRs it's her first group date. She isn't looking forward to finding out what it's like to share him, even if she does say it will be "interesting."
Jennifer: "I didn't have words." Isn't she the teacher? All of a sudden she looks like a non-winner, er, a loser. I'd been rooting for her, too. Oh, well. That's how it is on this show. Hardly anyone has what it takes to be a princess.
Lorenzo is supposed to teach them to wine-taste, but he says he doesn't know from swirling or any other fancy techniques. Good thing we didn't waste too much time oohing and aahing over the pseudo-reason for this date.
Desiree is so excited she can't breathe. Are you sick of hearing how "excited" everyone is? I am.
Jeannette takes Lorenzo for 1 on 1 time. They eat a grape off the vine. She says, "I'm not that hard to read." "Yeah, you are." "I'm not going to throw myself out there, because it's vying for attention." Am I the only one who thought that was the point of going on the show, to put oneself out there and vie for attention? Lorenzo DRs he was "blown away" with her honesty. I'm blown away by his stupidité.
Lisa complains about the lack of romance, what with having to fight off 5 other girls. "My one on one date was more romantic." Picnic in a park, hugging trees, contracting poison ivy. Uh huh. Look at me, I'm all a-swoon.
"I'm biting my tongue," says Desiree, speaking about Lisa. "A girl like that who gets the first dates and so on, she's not worth my time." Desiree may be slightly touched in the head but Lisa definitely rubs me the wrong way with her super chipper attitude and under-current of seething something or other.
Back at the house, Erica complains that all the girls she likes are out on the date, and here she is, "stuck with Agnes." Agnese enters the room (which incidentally looks like the kitchen. Is Erica drowning her sorrows with ice cream? It's possible.) She brings the date box. The note informs them, "One stays, one goes." Now they know the ugly truth of the new rules of the two-on-one date. Agnese throws down the gauntlet, "The rose is mine." Erica retorts, "I don't think so, bitch." Agnese DRs, "She's crazee. Not so pretty."
Ads, with precrap. So basically, only one woman is NOT getting a rose at the ceremony. Man, that sure seems tacky. Later, I realize how much that one woman reveled in her true golden opportunity.
Handing out a Rose in Tuscany. We linger awhile staring at a big moon. The girls are in Tuscany, ostensibly for wine-tasting. There's a bar and the rose. Sadie the Virgin sees the rose and claims it changed the mood. Revealed the underlying nervousness and bitchiness, I expect.
Here comes Lorenzo. The girls are wearing outfits they were probably instructed to pack, but why tell us? It's a modest surprise to see them in their matching black sheath dresses. Oops, spoke too soon. Only two girls wear what appears to be the exact same dress. For a moment there, I thought the girls were to be given a wine-serving challenge. "Serving Wenches: let's see how you perform in a subservient position." I still lament the lack of Amazing Race-like clues and tasks. That would liven up these rather dull, stilted and usually predictable proceedings.
Lorenzo, however, is wearing shorts that look like dressy boxers. He's paired the undergarment with a tee shirt. "Am I under-dressed?" he asks in what I'm sure he thinks of as his boyishly charming way. For some of these women, Lorenzo, you're always over-dressed. Come out nude one of these days, mmmkay?
The alone-time sessions commence. First are Lorenzo and Sadie. She chooses this moment to reveal her supah secret. They're laying on a couple of chaise longues, or possibly just fancy beach chairs. She provides the backstory that we heard already, complete with vow to reveal the secret before one of the other bitches beats her to it. She pins a particularly gooey smile on her face and says, "I am so serious about relationships and stuff. But I'm saving myself for marriage." There is something unappealing about her face when she says "merrage:" it's like she is a pious good-girl who is still trying to be seen as "fun" and "with it." 23 year old virgins are never going to be "with it."
Lorenzo's face is a picture of self-imposed tranquility. It's impossible to tell if he's elated but afraid to show he is also afraid of sex, or disappointed and wondering how he can politely boot this otherwise lovely young woman. I think a decision is made.
Lorenzo: "It's something I'd never ask you. I appreciate and admire you for it." So he's not going to boot her this week. But when he starts to think about it, he'll realize her commitment to remaining a virgin is likely the product of a strict religious upbringing, something which will color their whole lives. Unless he too is very religious (and the fact he's kept Desiree this long tells me he is not), the union of Lorenzo and Sadie won't happen.
"I've never dated a virgin." Spoken with wonderment, almost as if he would like to try it. And hey! Whaddaya know? He IS trying it, on this very show. Is she the girl to take on a fantasy overnight? I wouldn't have thought so, but then again, at least he'd know he'd get one night off.
He manages to be gallant with Sadie, but it's hardly a stretch. "Gallant" is his middle name. He may actually be desperate to escape the cloying goodness of her self-control and simpering lips. "Do you want to go back down?" Heh, naughty thoughts! Sadie says no, but agrees, "We should."
Lisa's 1 on 1 is next. First, Jeannette DRs she gets a weird vibe from Lisa, setting us up for the precrap at the end of the episode. Lorenzo assures Lisa he had a great time on their individual date, which hello? 2 episodes ago? Can we move on already? Oh, wait, now they acknowledge they've hardly seen each other since then. He asks if he can kiss her and she says yes. Uh oh. Remember when Bob Guineapig would kiss the women instead of talking? Not boding so well for Lisa, in my opinion. While they smooch she voices over her timeline again, in case we'd forgotten the reason for her ultimate dismissal, possibly after next week's episode, but more likely before the final two Showdown.
Back at the house, Agnese and Erica inhabit the same ginormous castle with great difficulty. Erica tells us she communicates with Agnese by speaking slowly with an Italian accent. "I tire-ed. I. Go. To. Bed. Now." Did she just put her head on her hands to simulate going sleepy-byes? If she didn't, she should have.
Back to the date. Got whiplash yet? Lorenzo and the girls are in the pool, playing Truth or Dare. Desiree is dared to share a piece of food with Lorenzo, using her mouth. She willingly puts the item (a large ball-like object) in her mouth and swans over to him. He takes it from her with his mouth and everyone swoons at the faux-sex play.
Sadie wants some Truth. "What girls in the house have you kissed?" Here's a bit of truth: you need to learn your grammar. Lorenzo realizes he has passionately kissed one or two, but he doesn't want to reveal which girls have sampled his slobber. Instead, he is diplomatic yet truthful: "I have kissed each and every single one of you." The penny drops but it takes some of them longer to figure out he means he kissed all of them on the cheek. Aww.
Sadie is mad at Lorenzo. He asks why and either she simply glared at him or I missed what she said. I do think she's mad because he didn't reveal whom he's kissed, which she views as a betrayal. I think she felt her revelation of virginity somehow deserved a similar revelation on his part. She's a little sleazy under her "good girl" posturing. Asking the question was itself in poor taste, but getting mad because he refused to "kiss and tell" shows complete lack of class.
Lisa DRs she thinks he wanted to protect the fact that they've shared a romantic kiss. I think he wanted to protect the fact that he's kissed other girls too. Let Tree-Hugger think she's special for a little while longer. Didn't we see Desiree get a kiss? I'm feeling dizzy and it's only episode three.
Next for one-on-one is Jennifer. "Why do you like teaching?" "I kind of fell into it." Oh, and? She explains she was a substitute teacher for a while. Still hasn't answered the question. They hold hands and she adds, "It's a rewarding profession." She is overcome with emotion as she tells him this, and I wonder if it's because she's just now realizing what she'd really like to be doing. Not that she's going to tell him and all of us. Maybe she realizes how much she loves teaching, even though she didn't love it at first. Whatever, I've had those moments of realization while talking with someone who's technically a stranger. I know the feeling of being suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. He gives her a kiss on the lips. Good thing they already played Truth or Dare.
The girls wonder what the deal is. Lorenzo makes another treacly speech. This is officially tiresome. He's just so sweet and loving and when will we learn what's wrong with him? "You all deserve a rose. If I had 6, I'd give them to you." Oy. That's the point, goof. If you have 6 roses, there's no reason to have a show. You have to make choices.
He continues, "For now, I'm going to give it to Jeannette." Sounds naughty! But I'm surprised. Sadie must be worried about even getting a rose at all after spilling her big secret. Lorenzo continues, "We had a wonderful talk and I like that you were so honest." Now Sadie must be wondering what secret the other girl told. As far as we know, Jeannette's revelation wasn't all that much, just that she fell into teaching (unless she told him something really explosive or really personal and he asked it not be shown) Now I doubt Sadie will make final 2, never mind win. I could be wrong but I've got a reasonable track record. Lisa DRs she got a first kiss, hoping to convince herself it still counts for something, while Sadie DRs that maybe she shouldn't have been so open about saving herself for merrage. Girl, your original thinking was correct. It's better for him to hear it from you than from one of the other girls.
Erica DRs (wearing a tiara of course) that Agnese would not make a princess. Erica is one of the more entertaining girls on this season, and even she's repetitive and dull. Ads.
Two-Fer Date. The group date girls return so Lisa can DR there will be drama on the Erica & Agnese date. You can't get anything past that Lisa. The two girls make dueling DRs:
Erica: "All I know is, the one who gets the rose stays and the one who doesn't, leaves." You can't get anything past that Erica.
Agnese: "I'm going to get the rose no matter what."
Lorenzo: "I don't know which girl I'm going to do, I mean, pick."
The girls are at Lorenzo's castle, I think, but it's not really made clear until later in the episode. They're all standing around the limo, about to leave, when he announces he planned to take them out on the town, but has a better idea. I think he realized dumping Erica in a restaurant would be messier and more embarrassing (for himself) than dumping her in the semi-privacy of home. They go back in the castle, find some Lorenzo pajamas to wear and eat pizza. Erica is naturally the one to spot the rose. They munch on pizza, laughing and joking. Then it's time for the one-on-ones.
Lorenzo takes Erica outside. She looks kind of cold standing in her bare feet on the cobblestones wearing thin pajamas, but Lorenzo doesn't seem to care. "Do you feel a stronger connection to me?" he wants to know. I doubt he cares about her answer to the question. Ever since that first explosive conversation, Lorenzo has been disinterested in Erica, and may have only kept her because the producers made him do so. Erica immediately launches in with more of her life story, without really answering the question. "I've been to Rome before and I've been wined and dined and taken for helicopter rides. None of the activities you have planned are new for me." Poor Lorenzo. He does look a little crestfallen here. After all, helicoptering was new to him. She's still talking: "For me it's all about you. Do you have any more things you'd like to know about me?" Hahaha. All about you = all about what you think about me. Erica's picture should be in the dictionary under "self-absorption." Lorenzo sounds fed up. "No, I definitely know you." That doesn't sound good. In fact, it sounds bad. From even the little we've seen, what we know of her really sucks. I can't imagine his experience has been vastly different or better.
Erica then gives a terrifically bitchy DR in which she lists the "qualities" of the other girls. "Jami has tattoos and no college degree. Jeanette is skanky. Desiree is a whore. Agnes doesn't speak English. Sadie is a virgin, which admittedly is rare. Gina is a kicked dog. Lisa is one notch up from being a whore. Who else is there? Oh, Jennifer. Well, she's highly forgettable." Okay, so I didn't quite capture her speech verbatim, but that was the general tone. The Sadie part is correct. It stuck in my mind because of Erica's concession that 23 year old virgins are rare. The whole speech is worth as many sips as you have or can stand.
Back at the house, the girls agree Agnese will be coming back with the rose.
Speaking of Agnese, it's time for her turn alone with Lorenzo. She chose a pair of dog boxers. One might say, "How appropriate," but she's actually a lovely girl whose main black mark is her lack of English. He voices over he likes her but continues to lament the language barrier. One of these weeks he might end up using that as his "you are so beautiful but goodbye" speech. They sit down to chat and she shows off her improved linguistic skill. Agnese says she loves to talk with her friends and to say what she thinks but it's more difficult to do so in English.
Lorenzo: "Are the other girls helping you?"
Agnese: "Some, not all."
Lorenzo: "Your English is so much better than the first day!"
AMAI: "Do you suppose Erica counts as a helper or a hinderer in Agnese's mind?"
Suddenly Erica appears on an upper balcony overlooking the terrace where Agnese & Lorenzo are one-on-one-ing. She calls gaily down to them, "Hi, guys!" Lorenzo: "Are you missing us?" "Yes." Agnese waves her hand as if shooing a fly and calls, "Bye." That has to be the stupidest move in a long line of stupid moves Erica has made in this show alone. Her life must be filled with stupid moves. How does she imagine that interrupting Agnese's alone-time with Lorenzo will score points for herself?
Time for the Rose. "Erica, you really are an amazing girl. Not only beautiful but extremely bright. I do have to say that the way I view it is you would change and do whatever I said. So, Agnese will you accept this rose?"
Of course she will! Agnese hugs Lorenzo with a soupçon of "Screw you, Erica." Okay, maybe more than a soupçon.
Erica sits with a face that isn't so much unhappy looking, as it is the face of one who is plotting her next move. He accompanies her down some stairs, probably to ensure she leaves than anything else. Erica makes excuses all the way down. Lorenzo says something about how tonight was a 180, which I didn't understand. Was she so very nice? It seems impossible. Anyway, this scene is the one that was pre-crapped within an inch of its life, both last week, and throughout tonight's episode. Thank god we won't see it again! She begins crying, and it's hard to tell if it's fake. We cannot see her face to look for tears. She's moaning that people have judged her all her life. "And it's just not fair." But, Erica, you judge others, too. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. One must judge, but one must also be prepared to be judged.
Lorenzo says he knows people have two different sides, but such polar different sides? How come we only saw Erica's whining delusional side?
Erica is now in the car -- still wearing Lorenzo's pjs, I might add --- and still moaning he didn't give her a second chance and didn't get to know her and it's not fair and oh my god, I sure hope the other Erica Sippers brought enough booze, even though this drinking game could land us all in rehab. It's only the third episode of the season! It's too soon for babbling incoherency.
Lorenzo bottom-lines his problem with her. "You're too quick to judge." Ahhh. See, there's judging, and then there's pre-judging, which means jumping to unfounded conclusions, or judging on stereotypes. It's good to judge, but it's bad to pre-judge.
Lorenzo lies it was a pleasure to meet her. As he shuts the car door, I'm certain he's thinking, "It's an even greater pleasure to bid you goodbye."
Erica tries desperately to convince Lorenzo he's made a dreadful mistake. Trouble is, she's talking through a window that's only half-open. It's like she's in a cell, reiterating she's the right girl for him and she's born to be a princess and it's not fair she's being sent away and blah blah goodbye already. The car pulls away even though she's still talking.
In the car for her exit interview, Erica continues meandering like a drunken teenager through her litany of excuses all of which I'm sure she's used before. It's a shame she hasn't rehearsed and polished this speech more, given the use I'm sure she has made and will make of it in her lifetime. "Every guy I meet judges me for being from a privileged background and having money and wearing tiaras and being smart and pretty and wha wha wha it's just not fair!" You know the drill about sipping. Take one sip or twenty, whichever you prefer.
In case you were wondering, this speech of Erica's is not the one heralded by the title of this week's recap. That little beauty is coming up later! Does Erica's jumbled, stream-of-barely-conscious ramblings even deserve the term "speech?"
Anyway, our linguistically-challenged lovers currently stand on a balcony gazing soporifically at the night lights of Rome (I guess.) Suddenly, fireworks! Agnese is startled and spills her drink. We hop over to Bimbette Central to watch the other girls watching the fireworks. "Oh, I think they're coming from the castle," someone says. Back to Lorenzo,who goes in for a big kiss and I have to say, it looks like a more heartfelt and definitely longer lasting kiss than Lisa's. Heh.
Meanwhile, Erica continues moaning. And us with no time to prepare a fresh drink! We join her mid-grumble "… disgusting little gross fairytale. Guy meets gal, live happily ever after. I'm so bored of that story." Poor Erica. But woo! Jackpot! Erica Whining Sippers + Fairytale Sippers! OMG it's a dream come true!
Rose Ceremony. It's time to ditch one more gal. I was feeling sorry for that unnamed girl at the start of the episode, but by the time I saw who it was, I realized she's pleased to be the centre of unhappy attention. Agnese and Jeanette are allowed to sit on chairs because they already have roses. Jami and Erica were already sent packing.
Lorenzo produces yet another polished thank "each and every one" of you for your "incredible qualities" and "beautiful personalities" speech. Every week, a different one! But you see why they concocted a method to get rid of Erica mid-show. Her personality may make for compelling yet entertaining television, but it's not beautiful. Poor Lorenzo is quickly discovering how difficult this process is.
Perhaps to stress that her story of saving herself for a rainy day hasn't turned him off yet, Sadie is called first. He's even got a cute lil moniker for her: "Cute lil Sadie." She will of course accept. I bet her destiny is to be cruelly eliminated after a hot night on a fantasy overnight date. She looks quite lovely at the moment.
Does it? Yes, it does. The camera gives us a quick glimpse of Gina, who wears the same pained expression of expectant forbearance.
Lisa. He hasn't a cute lil moniker for her. There's a liplock, underscored with vibes from Lisa of "we've kissed so much more deeply than this but we must be discreet." Lorenzo doesn't seem to realize how much stock Lisa is putting into that kiss.
Jennifer. "Hello." "Hi." I'm not feeling Jennifer. I know she got one of the special date roses last week, but why do we know so little about her? We know a lot about Lisa and Agnese, and even Sadie. We even know more about Jeanette than about Jennifer.
Gina the kicked dog is shown! Again!!
The last rose is between Desiree and Gina. How often has Desiree been left to near the end of the line? More often than not, if memory serves. I should check my own recaps, shouldn't I? But even if she was chosen early in ep 1, as the field is narrowed, I tend to think that this particular bachelor is telegraphing his interest in the girls by their placement in the rose retrieval roll call. Not that I think Sadie is a prime pick - I do think she was called first as a courtesy, but I don't see Desiree in the final 2. Now, last week I would have been surprised if she weren't chosen for a fantasy overnight. However, since the family visit takes place at Final 4, it's possible that he would forego a no-strings attached fun-filled evening if he had three other women in whom he's more interested. I certainly don't want to see her leave now. And the final rose goes to …
Desiree. Yay! She is really quite endearing. She exhales visibly, having held her breath for three minutes. "Never thought a rose would mean so much, baby."
Gina Is Roseless and Alone. Finally. I'm certain she would deliver the same speech had she been eliminated in Episode 1. Her facial expressions at each Rose Ceremony have never altered from the same kicked dog ready to be beaten and rejected. I now think she signed up for the show with the sole intention of being booted, so she could Deliver The Big Speech. Finally, her moment to shine is here. Chris perfunctorily says he's sorry. His apology is not heartfelt. "Take a moment and say goodbye."
This is it! The moment she's been waiting for!! She's been waiting to deliver this speech since she was 10 years old!!!! Surely the producers and casting people for As The World Turns, All My Children and Days of Our Lives are watching. She has convinced herself they are. She's rehearsed this speech in her head, in front of her mirror, and perhaps even in front of her very best friend. She's thrown everything she's got into her moments. Tear ducts don't fail me now.
"I'm totally devastated. {buries face in hands} How could he pick {checks list} 6 others over me? {daubs eyes with dainty handkerchief} I would have given my everything to him. {looks longingly into camera} My life! My children!! {buries head in hands to apply Quik Tears} This is not my fairytale ending. {finally squeezes out tears} (Also, yay! A sip for the Fairytale Sippers!) I really, truly felt I would stay. {blows nose unattractively, yet convincingly.} I don't understand. {brushes hair out of face} I didn't find my Prince Charming in Italy. {clutches fresh hanky, opens eyes wide to indicate undying hope} He's out there, somewhere."
Next time. One lucky bachelorette flies away, maybe even with Lorenzo. What IS the definition of "luck" in this situation? There will be mucho kissing as Lorenzo readies himself for the nightmare overnight fantasy dates, two weeks hence. A couple of girls, including Desiree of course, run around a garden losing pieces of their bikinis which are just as quickly replaced with Little Blurry Circles. I wonder if a side sipping game would be worthwhile. After all, the chances are good that the nudist scene won't occur until sometime after the 30 minute mark, giving plenty of opportunity for LBC precrap'n'sip. Someone will tell other girls that Lisa knows how this show works, and therefore able to "do all the right things" in order to advance. The Big Question will be, is Lisa here for the right reasons? All I want to know is, will she utter the word "fairytale" so we can ensure sufficient inebriation?
We're not rid of her yet. Just when we thought she was gone, Erica is back to pit the bitches against each other. Producer placement, or a tiara in need of adjustment?
As credits roll, Lorenzo watches the women parade up and down beside the pool, "modeling." Their laughter verges on hysteria. In other news, a recent Lorenzo sighting at an ASPCA function reported he was supposedly promoting his pet spas, but was promoting himself just as much. He was getting kissy-faced with a batch of women, obviously accustomed to slobbering all over numerous women at the same time. The debate is on: did he find a woman to be his wife during this process, and simply played the gadabout to hide that fact, or is this another failed season? We'll know soon enough, if we can muster the enthusiasm to continue watching.
Thanks for reading.
