SOME DAY YOUR PRINTS WILL COME
Thanks to Ethel Mae Potter for the title of the recap. Explanation is coming up later!
Meeting Lorenzo
It's been a while since I've enjoyed the pleasure of a solid drinking game, so I'm back to recap another round of this dreck. Do I have any hope of becoming a princess? Actually, the question is, would I want this guy? He's cute, like a puppy dog, but I'm a cat person.
We begin with a montage, because this show is ALL about the montage. Montages of numerous girls' reactions, montages of journeys to "here," montages of the wacky doings coming up next or previously seen. Our first montage focuses on the three happy couples from seasons past who, despite the odds of meeting on a show that is 1 for 2 (oops make that 1 for 3, thanks hopie!) with the women, and 2 for 8 (maybe) with the guys, have managed to remain together.. There's what'shername, who landed fisherman guy, what'shisname. And of course, Trista and Mr. Rehn, still married, and why haven't we heard about Baby Trista? Aren't they trying? They should go see a doctor and find out whose fault it is. What am I saying? I mean, find out what's wrong with Ryan. Because you KNOW it's not Trista's fault.
There's another happy couple from the seasons that I missed or successfully forgot. Precrap promises this Prince guy is going to shed real tears. Either that, or he'll demonstrate how the user can install the Crier1000 at home.
Who cares what's become of the wretched couples who, because of their inability to relate to another human being on a complex level, couldn't be part of the Successful Matches Montage? We know going in that few "winning" couples on this show can barely manage to sit next to each other on the final show, never mind explore the bliss of happily ever after. For instance, remember Jesse and Jessica? She seemed more interested in Tara, the runner-up, than in Jesse. I'm just saying, who knows what we'd learn if we took a quick look at all the women who've ever been on this show.
I'm not quite sure which iteration we're up to. Then again, who cares whether it's season 9 or 10? These bitches are too dumb to deal with double-digits, so they began calling the seasons Bachelor: Paris and Bachelor: Rome to get everyone used to it. I wonder when there'll be a Bachelor: Mumbai.
25 squeaky American women hope to become a Princess. Won't it be funny if he picks the local girl? She will help him learn Italian for the stages of the sex act, bear him some healthy three-quarter-blooded Italian sons and then disappear back into the woodwork. Besides, there is something wrong about "Princess Sadie." It sounds like the maid accidentally gave her own name at the registry office instead of her ladyship's.
From one montage to another, so we can learn that the women know that Larry is a Prince. The gold-diggers are forewarned this time. There are to be no sudden changes of facial expression half-way through the meet & greet this season. Keeping identity a secret didn't quite work out for Andrew Firewine, did it?
The next precrap montage features the usual one girl onscreen mugging, squealing and hugging everything in sight, while another girl voices-over bitchily, "I'm not here to make friends." Women exclaim fakely while disembodied voices proclaim, "Other girls will be jealous of me" and "This is my fairytale."
Chris Harrison, our regular tHost (pronounced "toast," because by the end of the season that's usually what he is), is at that famous Fountain in Rome. You know the one: they threw three coins into it about 50 years ago in chick movies. I wonder if Chris brought his wife on this trip. Lorenzo Borghese (don't worry, I'll get around to distorting his name out of all recognizability in a moment) is an American allegedly descended from royalty. He was born in Italy, spent all of two years there, followed by "years of living all over Europe." He now makes his home in New York. If it was made clear how old he was when the family took up permanent residence State-side, I missed it. However, I'm sure one of the more inquisitive bitches will nag at him to tell her, and Chris will find a way to work the factoid into the conversation. Lorenzo himself will DR about it in the plaintive cutesie way of his that while not really whiny, is sure to grate on us all after 6, no make that 4, possibly even 2, weeks of it. In any event, I trust the show will impart all such details eventually. His family has a cosmetics business, and some of you may even be familiar with it. I also learned he has a chain of pet spas and /or pet beauty products.
But the doggie bath connection isn't exploited in this, the opening episode. It's sure to surface once some of the lil bitches reveal their own inner dogginess. He's also a private pilot and is starting to sound like a regular multi-talented multi-tasker. He could be too good for the brand of trollop who normally inhabits this show.
Lorenzo takes us home to meet his family, to prepare us for the kind of women to whom he gravitates. His mother, Princess Amanda blahblah Borghese, is one of those sturdy-looking Americans who actually seem like they ought to have a British accent and ride horses. Her face is rather manly, somewhat handsome, but not good looking enough to be a drag queen. Think line-backer. His father looks like he could be an importer/exporter, possibly named Vandelay. Here they are at a recent charity gala:
Francisco, the dad, intersperses his speeches with superfluous Italian phrases. Who needs to say "Que cosa es?" in Italian, when he has plenty of other English at his disposal? There's a brother present as well, who may already be married but having produced little girls, is not coming through with heirs for the family. The chit-chat is somewhat stilted, but not as bad as some I've seen, as the family does a reasonable job of conveying this is all old hat for them. Maybe it is. Maybe they are used to auctioning their children to the highest or handsomest bidder.
As always, we head to commercials via precrap. This time we learn that in addition to the 25 Americans, there will be two local gals who'll join the initial coterie of bitches (aka a "bitcherie.") Lorenzo may choose one or both of them to take to the next round, a fact which will increase the natural bitchiness quotient of the 25 Americans tenfold.
The explanation of the recap's title is coming up later!
After ads, selected women are told they've been chosen for the show. They squeal and shriek for their mamas, mostly. A bouquet of red roses is thrust into their arms along with the news that they need to leave in about half an hour. Pack, bitch!
Texan Socialite Erica calls for her housekeeper and her mom, in that order, to help her pack. The housekeeper is the one who knows where everything is, but mom has keen fashion instincts. I guess. Later I'll wonder if Lorenzo were permitted to view all this footage. Wouldn't you want to watch as each girl receives the news, and to what and whom she says goodbye? Erica carries her tiny dog out to the limo and for a split second I gasp and worry, "Oh, not Paris Hilton version 2.5.6?!" Thankfully, no. Erica does give good segue. As she hands off the dog, she voices-over that she hopes the Prince doesn't fall for the farm girl, which neatly takes us to meet Jami, consummate Texas farm girl. Jami is "eight million percent" ready for something or other and she lost me when she over-hyped her readiness.
Sadie squeaks. Kim has ugly warts on her face. Jeanette is still here. Rosella thinks being chosen is a sign from her dead full-blooded Italian Dad.
Arriving in Rome is the cue to squeal like debutantes because everywhere they look, they see the Borghese name. What they don't know is the show is being filmed in the four or five streets that were set up specially. Normally this area of town has one Borghese restaurant and a laundromat. I'm kidding. I've no idea how prevalent Borghese is. It's possibly the only neighborhood in all of Rome bearing his family name on buildings and streets, flagstones and parkettes. Perhaps this is for real. No matter. Once inside the castle walls, where the girls will be brought, blindfolded in the limo so they can't identify its location, they'll forget their own names in the effort to impress Prince What'shisname.
Desiree is goofy. She says she's here to turn an Italian prince into a frog. She must have had quite a bit to drink on the plane. What's her plan, do you suppose? She could be here to kiss him hoping to make him turn into a Frenchman.
The girls shop in the only clothing boutique in the vicinity, Chez Borghese on Via Borghese. (It's about here that I expected Twilight Zone music to commence, with Rod Serling stepping in front of this bevy of bimbo StepWomen, to explain where we are and what is wrong with these people. But alas, it is the Bachelor, season 9 and artificiality reigns supreme by design.) The girls pick out prom dresses and ball gowns, and to judge by what we see, there was no one to help them. Lorenzo will later ask the women if they were allowed to choose their own outfits. I think he was ready for either answer. If they said 'no,' he would fire the stylists; if 'yes,' he'd grin and bear the fact that even his favorite girls have no fashion sense and will need assistance to avoid looking hideous.
Another possibility is the clothing was brought straight from the Halloween department at Wal-Mart, but the girls were fooled because they had to pay Saks 5th Avenue prices for each item. They do encourage each other to buy really crappy outfits. Precrap and ads.
Just a reminder: the explanation of the recap's title is coming up soon!
When we return, it's time for tHost to meet Lorenzo. After all, WE already met him AND his family. We're at a 16th century castle that is to serve as Bimbette Central. I'm not sure, but I think Lorenzo also has a suite in the place. It's a four-storey ivy-covered pile. There is no doubt plenty of room for everyone. Chris and Lorenzo head inside and make their way to what appears to be a courtyard with greenery, stone floors and patio deck ensembles from Zellars.
Chris wants to know all about how Lorenzo's family came to be royalty. Lorenzo guesses his relative, Pope Paul V who was a Borghese, extended titles to the family. That was about 300-400 years ago. But, he guesses? Why doesn't he know? He just lost ten points. He says the family doesn't stand on ceremony, preferring to call each other by their usual names. However, one of Toronto's freebie papers, Metro, reported today that Lorenzo's former college pals at Rollins think Larry's "kind of a tool." "He was not very interesting at
all and always dropped his name and 'title.'" So, there we have it. The source is cited as PageSix dot com. And there was me, all ready to make
with the "I'm sure they use the royal nomenclature to get into overbooked restaurants" joke.
Lorenzo explains he doesn't really know how to speak Italian, displaying yet more of his toolishness. He says he has "menu Italian." And that's Olive Garden, not uppity Italian riztorante, in case you're wondering. He explains he left Italy when he was 2, as if that is somehow an excuse. One lass we'll meet simply grew up in an Italian home in America and yet, she learned the language. What's his problem?
Next are inane comments about what the Papal ancestor might think of Lorenzo doing this show: the same as the rest of us, I'm sure: what's the matter with you that you can't find a woman the normal way? Indeed, Chris poses that very question: "Why are you doing this, Lorenzo?" Chris doesn't really care about the answer, he just likes asking questions that make people squirm. Lorenzo offers the threadbare "wants to get married, find the person to be with forever, have that house," blah blah blah. None of which answers the original question. People manage to do all that every day without going on TV. Viewers' ideas of why Lorenzo is doing this range from 'promoting the family cosmetics business' to 'promoting pet spa business' to finding hostesses for his private plane. 'Finding the woman to spend the rest of 2006 with' is pretty low on the Lorenzo-Meter. Icing, not cake.
Chris teases Lorenzo that the 25 women he's about to meet "run the gamut" from doctors and lawyers to teachers of all kinds. Dolphin trainer! Chris gives Lorenzo all night to get to know them, then at daybreak he needs to be ready with his list o' names. He has to send more than half of them home. More than half, eh? That's quite brutal.
The limos begin to arrive and Chris whips out the Italian phrase he learned for this episode: "Que comenza l'aventura." I should check the spelling with my learned Italian friend, Ethel Mae Potter. I think it means, "Let the adventure begin," but it might mean, "I hope you know what the hell you're doing, because the odds are against you."
Meeting the Gals.
As each woman de-limos, editing knocks itself out varying the presentation. Some women alight head-first from their limos. Others display a shapely foot in a colorful shoe. The camera tries to flash quickly to the face, but if you didn't like that shoe, who cares about the face of the woman who chose it? But it turns out that all this hopping around is merely to act as a distraction from the women's humongous asses. At least until the moment when Lorenzo joins us to watch her walk away, sashaying, galumphing or skipping as the case may be. Some women also receive walking-towards-Lorenzo time. Everyone has one-on-one "what's your name" and "aren't you cute" time. Very little of it was worth recording in recap form. Let's see what details I managed to capture. Remember, I'm not making a tape for this show unless the comedy levels increase dramatically.
Lisa is first. A pretty brunette in a black dress, Lisa is 25 and a marketing manager from Oregon. As you can see, I recorded nothing of their banter. I cannot recall anything of it. I won't repeat this sentence, so if there's no banter reported, it doesn't mean it didn't happen, only that I couldn't remember it two seconds after hearing it. My apologies. This WAS a two-hour episode, after all.
April is another brunette, 23, model from Chicago. She has a large rack. Her dress is cut on the diagonal. As she walks away, Lorenzo looks very longingly at her rear view. Too bad he didn't care much for her front view.
Kim is 27, interior designer, and blonde. She's wearing a black top with a white skirt and looks ready to attend a cocktail party for middle-management at IBM.
A brunette in a fuschia dress: Jeannette, 23 from Illinois. As she leaves, his look of longing is shorter than that for April, but it's there. He's already exuding "I'm overwhelmed" vibes.
Jessica, 25, has dark hair. She's an assistant buyer in NC. Her pretty green dress makes her look fat. Maybe she is fat.
Blonde Jami, 27, is an event planner from Texas. She's wearing a pink dress.
Claudia, 22 is a Florida restaurateur with brown hair. Her dark green dress is a long gown. She pronounces her name "clowdeeya," not "clawdeeya." Affected bitch.
Tiny Brit, 28, is a beer chemist from Ohio. Salmon pink dress. Another blonde.
Brunette Rita, 29 is a policy advisor from Virginia. Her taupe gown has idiotic black sashes hanging off weird portions of her gown. We get a look at her ass. It's not as big as some.
29 year old blonde Laura is a dolphin trainer at Sea World. Her dress is green. Her conversation with Lorenza is all about how her dress matches her eyes. She has a really big ass. I guess it was too big.
Rosella, 27, make up artist from Chicago, speaks Italian and utters a complicated sentence that flies right over his head. Onscreen translation: "Your princess has arrived." Heh. Not quite.
Red-haired Meri, 27, is an attorney in Biloxi, Mississippi. She's outgoing and seems too easily stimulated. Gold dress. Viewers noticed that she looked really awful the next morning.
Red dress, small tits, Gina, 28, is an ultrasound technician from Chicago. She barely stops to chat. You'd think that would hurt her chances, but the footage has more likely been cut to make it appear that she had nothing to say.
Heather, 34, is a registered nurse. Per the precrap she gets plastered later, cementing the passing resemblance to Farrah Fawcett. For now she looks faintly haggard. Her white gown is sparkly.
Sarah, 30, is the Canadian. She's a honey-blonde journalist from BC. Her white flowing gown accentuates her big ass.
Chris appears because it's time for ads. 10 more women to meet. Go get yourself a beverage, then resume reading.
Jennifer, 24, wears yet another pretty pink dress. She's a teacher in Florida. The pair of them talk over each other. In my view, she is too bubbly.
Carissa, 25, is a blonde attorney from Morristown NJ. Her dress is black and white.
Andrea, 28, hotel concierge in Ohio has short dark hair. I think right away she has no hope. She greets him in Italian, "Buona sera" (thanks for the correct spelling, chronic), convincing me she has no hope.
Desiree, bubbly blonde from Utah is 22 and a realtor. She exclaims, "Oh my god, you are so handsome." White dress. She squeals, "Oh baby." Oh, puke.
Tara, long blonde hair, is 25, realtor from Florida. She's in a pretty red dress.
Oh, here's that socialite Erica. Blonde. 23, from Texas. Her dress is kind of purple and makes her look kind of fat.
Ellen, 30, realtor from CT. Long honey blonde hair, green dress. The note-taking is taking its toll.
Elyse, 27, physician from New York. For some reason Lorenzo asks her to marry him. He's just practicing. He doesn't even pick her later.
Long blonde haired Renee is 30. She's a broadcast marketer from Baltimore. Her dress is long and black. "You're kinda cute," she says like she wants to chuck him under the chin. "And I'd like to stick around for a while." "Well, you have all night, lady," says the expression on Lorenzo's face. "Just don't unpack."
Sadie, 23, wears a white, sleeveless dress. She's a publicist. Lorenzo exclaims, "I love that name." Who the hell loves Sadie as a name? But little blonde Sadie is a real sweetie. She manages to be nice about the fact that "there are 24 people too many in that party."
And that's it. We've met the whole batch o' bitches. Now it's time to see how they function once they start boozing. But first, another ad break.
Getting To Know You, Getting To Know What I Don't Like About You.
Chris tells Lorenzo that during the evening, he has to pick one woman on whom to bestow the special First Impression Rose. This season they finally finished paying for Trista's Pinkstravaganza. There is a special prize for the FIR recipient: a pair of 2 kt diamond earrings. That would make hanging around making goo-goo eyes at Prince Larry a more worthwhile endeavor. Has this happened before? As I mentioned, I missed a couple of seasons.
Lorenzo heads inside. Heather goes apeshit because when he walked through the door, he looked right at her for a few moments. He was just trying not to fall over. Jennifer says he is so handsome. Erica says he is so sexy. Sadie can't believe it's happening.
Lorenzo tells the whole group it's a "most incredible sight" to look at all these women. He DRs, "25 women in my bachelor pad. Any guy would want to be in my position." Don't they always say that on the first episode? It always gets harder. Pun unavoidable.
One girl compares it to prom night, giving Lorenzo the chance to say he missed out on prom, but doesn't explain it was because he was getting high with his friends in a basement. "This is your prom," says the girl, eager to put a label on the proceedings that she can understand. He looks unimpressed and moves on.
Someone asks him what kind of music he likes and he says, "all kinds," which means he's a bit wishy-washy. Okay, wishy-washier. He likes the Grateful Dead, the Rolling Stones and a girl says, "Oh, classic rock." Then, in a way that signals he wants major kudos for it, Lorenzo says he got to see Bon Jovi in New Jersey. Jami says she got all hot just talking to him.
Erica wore her tiara not just to attract attention, but to ensure that Lorenzo understands she was born to be a princess. She DRs she's looked at her competition and noted the number of women with tattoos. According to Princess Snootynose, those cows have no chance. She modestly places herself in the Top 3 prospects. She tells Lorenzo he should feel honored because she, future Princess Erica Borghese, flew coach to be here. Ellen confides to us that she can't see the Prince trotting round New York with Erica. Looking at Ellen's picture (see below), I could see her in an off-Broadway production of Hair.
Kim gets a DR but it wasn't memorable enough for me to record. Rosella tells a couchful of women that she sold her car to be here. The women are very impressed, shocked even. You'd think Rosella had been living in the car, but this isn't Rock Star. She says she doesn't have all the money she needed to be here. She had to sell her car so she could buy the outfit she's wearing. Poor Italian from Chicago? Who would have thunk it? She DRs she has so much faith that she will be a princess. "This is my destiny!" She is so cut soon. (I'll have you know I wrote that before I even knew whom he chose.)
Oh, the pressure. Rosella finally gets a quick moment to chat with Lorenzo, albeit with 3 or 4 other hags hanging around. He wants to know how she learned Italian and asks her to say something in Italian. She complies and I meant to type what she said, but I was just so impressed . Lisa says she herself is sane and hopes he notices her. She will rectify the fact that he hasn't noticed her yet, in just a moment.
Lorenzo takes a moment to DR that he's trying to learn as much as possible. Stupid me managed to record that, but omitted Rosella cosa-cosa-ing in Italian. Jennifer explains to Lorenzo that she is an 8th grade teacher. Their banter is awful and stilted. "You are so amazing." "I think you're beautiful." Ugh. Let's move on.
A waiter/footman fellow self-importantly brings a pillow bearing the FIR and diamond earrings. Renee DRs about it, with just a hint of hysteria in her voice. She must know she isn't making progress. Sadie tells another girl she knows that's the FIR, but what are the earrings? That's a new one on her as well.
Desiree is imbibing. "This livens up the stakes," she slurs. "I'm gonna swoon him to get that rose." Carissa has a whine about it and a bunch of women watch as Desiree calls Lorenzo "baby" and gives him a demonstration of the talents she picked up in Las Vegas along with her slutty dress. He DRs she is the life of party; usually he doesn't like such forward girls, but this time he's interested to know more. Desiree asks if she may give him a kiss, and he allows her to kiss him on the cheek. That's when it happens.
We see The Flaw.
There had to be one. I mean, he looks so cute and he's so personable and charming, but it's at this moment the camera catches him in profile and we learn that his nose is huge. Like Pinocchio. Or Cyrano de Bergerac. Wow. That nose ruins the profile. And I've never heard any correlation between nose and penis size, have you?
Back to the bitches. Kim wants those fucking earrings, bad. She even says "fucking" but they bleep it out. Heh. Ads.
The explanation of the recap's title is coming up really soon now!
When we return, umpteen girls DR their desire to receive the FIR (and the earrings.) Or maybe they're just being polite about the FIR. But those kids WANT those earrings. Lisa makes her move. She tells Lorenzo Bignose she is a tree-hugger incognito. He says there are lots of trees. "Lets go hug a tree," he suggests. They make their way outside, while women upstairs make their way to the second floor balconies so they can watch and wonder what the hell is going on. The huggers find a tree and Lisa makes Lorenzo hug the tree with her. She voices-over she's loving it. He DRs it felt sort of good to hug this tree. It was "a moment."
Heather stands in the middle of a room, shrieking her desire to toast to drinking too much. Jeannette is shocked. Does Heather want to leave? It sounds like she's trying to organize a party to head into town.
Gina says Prince William has nothing on Prince Lorenzo. Andrea hopes she gets a rose tonight, but laments that she hasn't had any time with Lorenzo. She goes to a balcony and begins singing, interrupting Lorenzo's time with someone else. That someone else is Gina who DR-complains. Rita also DR-complains because the singing happened during her conversation. Well, hers and Gina's.
When Andrea is finished, Lorenzo stands and applauds. Of course, he DRs it was strange to be serenaded. He says the magic words, "Tonight is a fairytale."
Heather is nervous because she's getting to talk to Lorenzo. He asks why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She says she's had lots of boyfriends, realizes how that sounds, and tries to move on without explaining she's a psycho hosebag who always drinks too much and is usually found passed out in the men's washroom, her panties missing. Instead, she cleverly asks why Lorenzo is still single. He gives the usual "haven't found the right girl" answer and the next thing we know, they're agreeing they both love cheeseburgers. She DRs "I'm beautiful and educated," but … she's got acne on her forehead. And she's a psycho hosebeast.
During her chat, Sarah the Canadian goes, "It's intense, eh?" Sharp-eared Lorenzo realizes that means she's from Canada. That's pretty much all they have to talk about. Some woman tries to horn in but Sarah expertly blocks the assault and continues wasting more of Lorenzo's time.
Sadie is next. "I've never been to Rome before, but I've been to Paris." She explains she went to USC. "I came a long way to meet you: you better be worth it." Sadie DRs she feels it went well. She confides to us, "I'm an innocent good girl who is saving herself for marriage." Uh oh. A virgin? How will Prince Muchobignose feel about that?
In case we forgot, he DRs he's looking for his future wife. Each woman is beautiful in her special way. He's an animal on instinct. He's talking to the Morristown girl, when suddenly Chris appears, tinkling on the glass. It isn't time for a decision, but rather time to meet two more women. This time it's the two local girls. One is skinny in a black dress. She has a small head. Her name sounds like Ho-setta. The other one's name sounds like Gaysee. She is a bigger woman and her dress is cream/beige. The other women effortlessly and instantly switch into bitch on alert mode.
Hosetta is predictably a dancer. Gaysee is a "student." Hosetta displays her ho-bag dancing skills by doing something lambada-ish. She DRs in Italian that he's exquisite. Gaysee is jealous because Ho-setta spent time with Lorenzo first.
The American girls DR they are scared and intimidated. Heather is drunk enough to suggest that they turn the tables and intimidate them. Lisa figures they just need to go over and drag him away to another bench. So, they do just that.
After about two minutes, the local Italians come over and grab him right back. He certainly seems happier with the Italians. Then Lorenzo struggles with Gaysee's lack of English for items associated with skiing. "Mittens?" *Blank look* "Hunting?" *Blank look* Their conversation is painful to observe.
Another girl tells Lorenzo he's in the worst situation. Thanks for that breaking news, Cindy CNN.
It's finally time to hand out the FIR and diamonds. Lorenzo tells everyone he knows exactly who the girl is. However, he doesn't know where she is, so off he lopes with the rose and earrings in search of his one girl. He has to pass every other woman in order to find that special girl. Desiree DRs she got the dagger in her heart when he passed by her. And the lucky recipient of the earrings, FIR and future jealous acting out is none other than Treehugger Lisa. That whole "moment" with the tree really touched him and he felt it was worth giving her this lovely prize. She feels very special. She is very special. Hopefully there wasn't any poison ivy on that tree.
Of course, someone DRs about feeling envious and slightly jealous. "What does Lisa have that I don't?" moans Gina. Oy. What doesn't she have? Sadie guesses Lisa wanted the FIR even more than she herself did, and Sadie knows she wanted it "pretty bad." Erica makes bitchy comments about judging everyone on compatibility scale. "Running around drunk and hugging trees. Eye Roll." Erica is going to be the bitchy one, I just know it.
Lisa doesn't care what the other women think. SHE is here for Lorenzo. Those diamonds are pure icing. Uh huh.
Time To Make Those First Cuts.
It's the next morning and it looks like some women got some sleep, even if it was against their will. Others look really rough. I wish I had pictures because I'm not sure who it was who looked the roughest. I wonder how many slept and how many stayed up.
Rosella has butterflies and feels nauseous. Jami feels crazy insane. Claudia kids herself she's going to be more a part of history than her brief appearance on this show and in this recap. Various girls can actually taste the rose. I thought they were giving them real food. We learn that Lorenzo has to cut the group of 27 down to 12. He's already given one rose to Lisa, so he only has 11 more. That is the most severe cut I've ever seen!
Chris takes Lorenzo to the deliberation room to look at the women's pictures and figure out how many of them he can recall actually talking with. Chris wants to know what Lorenzo thinks. Lorenzo the diplomat thinks they're all special so of course he doesn't know what he's going to do. He's worried about sending home Mrs. Right. Actually, he needs to worry about keeping Miss Wrong.
There is a tidbit of recrap of girls getting out of limos. No, please, don't show all 25 of the bitches arriving. Once was more than enough. What's worse is Chris wants to know about specific women. Like Rosella and Andrea, whose operatic singing was a moment Lorenzo can honestly say he's never had happen to him before. And never wants to have happen again, if Larry's choices are to be believed. But I'm precrapping. What of Desiree? Well, Lorenzo doesn't want to start kissing 25 girls. Erica is a handful, who with her strange quirky approach is the most lifelike robot he's ever met. But does he really want a Stepford Wife? Even one with "personality?" Moving on, Chris brings up the issue of the two local gals. Oh, Lorenzo thought it was great to see them.
Well, that's more than enough time on this. Lorenzo is left to stare at the 25, make that 27, pictures. The pressure feels like a house of bricks. Lorenzo sure has odd turns of phrase. From all his chit-chat with the girls, it sounded like he's attended several universities and lived everywhere, all the time. I wonder if they kept kicking him out for being a twerp. After all, he actually says he thinks he could be down on one knee, getting engaged, at the end of this process.
Time to hand out roses. Lisa got hers already, as we know.
Lorenzo is grateful the women all showed up just for him. He's grateful no one actually threw up on him after drinking like fish all evening with only nibbles for dinner. He thinks everyone is wonderful and there really is a Santa Claus. "I had a great evening."
Kim. She arrived 3rd.
Rather than stand off to the side, each girl returns to her spot in the group, holding her rose and trying not to jump up and down and cheer too loudly.
Jeannette arrived 4th. Why I'm telling you when they arrived, I don't know. It just seems like an interesting factoid. It certainly shows that order of arrival didn't matter in terms of which girls he picked.
Jami arrived 6th.
Ellen arrived 22nd.
Sarah arrived 15th.
The camera keeps checking on Gina, who resembles a tiny kicked dog.
Desiree arrived 19th.
They also keep showing Hosetta, the Italian whore-girl, as well as Rosella, the girl who sold her car!!
Jennifer arrived 16th.
Gina arrived 13th.
Erica arrived 21st.
Sadie arrived last.
Last rose. Thanks, Chris. :rolleyes The camera was keeping a close eye on the pile of roses. What do I need you for?
The last one goes to Anyase. Oh? Her name isn't Gaysee? Anyway, she's the local Italian "student" who didn't recognize the English word "mittens." When I stumble across a picture of her, I'll post it.
There are lots of blondes and a handful of brunettes. For the moment, I think the girls with a real chance include Sadie and the local Italian girl. Lisa might have an outside chance, but it's rare that the person picked for the FIR actually doesn't go berserk at about the "Six Left" mark, and proves what a psycho she really is. So, Lisa fans, don't get your hopes up that she'll make it to Final 2. I think we also need to bear in mind that this isn't an objective beauty contest, with standardized criteria, but rather a subjective decision, based on one man's preferences and tastes. Women whom we in TV land thought attractive just didn't click with him. Take another look at that picture of his parents. Pay attention to Mom.
Heather is actually upset. She says, "It sucks." She looks old, a lot older than this airbrushed photo:
Poor Rosella had faith she would get picked. And now she's sold her car and she'll never get it back. Now where is she going to live? But she got to be on TV! Shouldn't she feel blessed?
That dress was a bad idea.
I guess you're wondering about the title of this recap. My pal Ethel Mae Potter wanted to offer condolences to the girls not chosen in her own way. "So, what did they say to these chicks when they tried to pick up their film and it wasn't ready at the Italian FotoMat?"
AMAI: "I don't know, Ethel. What?"
Ethel Mae: "Some day your prints will come…"
Speaking of prints, maybe one day those losers' pictures will appear somewhere, but not in my recap. I only included Heather and Rosella because they were so delusional and you want to watch out you or your man don't get hoodwinked by them.
Next week we get into our groove with an hour long show. Hopefully we'll also find our "special" phrase or phrases, and get the drinking games underway.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks to Ethel Mae Potter for the title of the recap. Explanation is coming up later!
Meeting Lorenzo
It's been a while since I've enjoyed the pleasure of a solid drinking game, so I'm back to recap another round of this dreck. Do I have any hope of becoming a princess? Actually, the question is, would I want this guy? He's cute, like a puppy dog, but I'm a cat person.
We begin with a montage, because this show is ALL about the montage. Montages of numerous girls' reactions, montages of journeys to "here," montages of the wacky doings coming up next or previously seen. Our first montage focuses on the three happy couples from seasons past who, despite the odds of meeting on a show that is 1 for 2 (oops make that 1 for 3, thanks hopie!) with the women, and 2 for 8 (maybe) with the guys, have managed to remain together.. There's what'shername, who landed fisherman guy, what'shisname. And of course, Trista and Mr. Rehn, still married, and why haven't we heard about Baby Trista? Aren't they trying? They should go see a doctor and find out whose fault it is. What am I saying? I mean, find out what's wrong with Ryan. Because you KNOW it's not Trista's fault.
There's another happy couple from the seasons that I missed or successfully forgot. Precrap promises this Prince guy is going to shed real tears. Either that, or he'll demonstrate how the user can install the Crier1000 at home.
Who cares what's become of the wretched couples who, because of their inability to relate to another human being on a complex level, couldn't be part of the Successful Matches Montage? We know going in that few "winning" couples on this show can barely manage to sit next to each other on the final show, never mind explore the bliss of happily ever after. For instance, remember Jesse and Jessica? She seemed more interested in Tara, the runner-up, than in Jesse. I'm just saying, who knows what we'd learn if we took a quick look at all the women who've ever been on this show.
I'm not quite sure which iteration we're up to. Then again, who cares whether it's season 9 or 10? These bitches are too dumb to deal with double-digits, so they began calling the seasons Bachelor: Paris and Bachelor: Rome to get everyone used to it. I wonder when there'll be a Bachelor: Mumbai.
25 squeaky American women hope to become a Princess. Won't it be funny if he picks the local girl? She will help him learn Italian for the stages of the sex act, bear him some healthy three-quarter-blooded Italian sons and then disappear back into the woodwork. Besides, there is something wrong about "Princess Sadie." It sounds like the maid accidentally gave her own name at the registry office instead of her ladyship's.
From one montage to another, so we can learn that the women know that Larry is a Prince. The gold-diggers are forewarned this time. There are to be no sudden changes of facial expression half-way through the meet & greet this season. Keeping identity a secret didn't quite work out for Andrew Firewine, did it?
The next precrap montage features the usual one girl onscreen mugging, squealing and hugging everything in sight, while another girl voices-over bitchily, "I'm not here to make friends." Women exclaim fakely while disembodied voices proclaim, "Other girls will be jealous of me" and "This is my fairytale."
Chris Harrison, our regular tHost (pronounced "toast," because by the end of the season that's usually what he is), is at that famous Fountain in Rome. You know the one: they threw three coins into it about 50 years ago in chick movies. I wonder if Chris brought his wife on this trip. Lorenzo Borghese (don't worry, I'll get around to distorting his name out of all recognizability in a moment) is an American allegedly descended from royalty. He was born in Italy, spent all of two years there, followed by "years of living all over Europe." He now makes his home in New York. If it was made clear how old he was when the family took up permanent residence State-side, I missed it. However, I'm sure one of the more inquisitive bitches will nag at him to tell her, and Chris will find a way to work the factoid into the conversation. Lorenzo himself will DR about it in the plaintive cutesie way of his that while not really whiny, is sure to grate on us all after 6, no make that 4, possibly even 2, weeks of it. In any event, I trust the show will impart all such details eventually. His family has a cosmetics business, and some of you may even be familiar with it. I also learned he has a chain of pet spas and /or pet beauty products.
But the doggie bath connection isn't exploited in this, the opening episode. It's sure to surface once some of the lil bitches reveal their own inner dogginess. He's also a private pilot and is starting to sound like a regular multi-talented multi-tasker. He could be too good for the brand of trollop who normally inhabits this show.
Lorenzo takes us home to meet his family, to prepare us for the kind of women to whom he gravitates. His mother, Princess Amanda blahblah Borghese, is one of those sturdy-looking Americans who actually seem like they ought to have a British accent and ride horses. Her face is rather manly, somewhat handsome, but not good looking enough to be a drag queen. Think line-backer. His father looks like he could be an importer/exporter, possibly named Vandelay. Here they are at a recent charity gala:
Francisco, the dad, intersperses his speeches with superfluous Italian phrases. Who needs to say "Que cosa es?" in Italian, when he has plenty of other English at his disposal? There's a brother present as well, who may already be married but having produced little girls, is not coming through with heirs for the family. The chit-chat is somewhat stilted, but not as bad as some I've seen, as the family does a reasonable job of conveying this is all old hat for them. Maybe it is. Maybe they are used to auctioning their children to the highest or handsomest bidder.
As always, we head to commercials via precrap. This time we learn that in addition to the 25 Americans, there will be two local gals who'll join the initial coterie of bitches (aka a "bitcherie.") Lorenzo may choose one or both of them to take to the next round, a fact which will increase the natural bitchiness quotient of the 25 Americans tenfold.
The explanation of the recap's title is coming up later!
After ads, selected women are told they've been chosen for the show. They squeal and shriek for their mamas, mostly. A bouquet of red roses is thrust into their arms along with the news that they need to leave in about half an hour. Pack, bitch!
Texan Socialite Erica calls for her housekeeper and her mom, in that order, to help her pack. The housekeeper is the one who knows where everything is, but mom has keen fashion instincts. I guess. Later I'll wonder if Lorenzo were permitted to view all this footage. Wouldn't you want to watch as each girl receives the news, and to what and whom she says goodbye? Erica carries her tiny dog out to the limo and for a split second I gasp and worry, "Oh, not Paris Hilton version 2.5.6?!" Thankfully, no. Erica does give good segue. As she hands off the dog, she voices-over that she hopes the Prince doesn't fall for the farm girl, which neatly takes us to meet Jami, consummate Texas farm girl. Jami is "eight million percent" ready for something or other and she lost me when she over-hyped her readiness.
Sadie squeaks. Kim has ugly warts on her face. Jeanette is still here. Rosella thinks being chosen is a sign from her dead full-blooded Italian Dad.
Arriving in Rome is the cue to squeal like debutantes because everywhere they look, they see the Borghese name. What they don't know is the show is being filmed in the four or five streets that were set up specially. Normally this area of town has one Borghese restaurant and a laundromat. I'm kidding. I've no idea how prevalent Borghese is. It's possibly the only neighborhood in all of Rome bearing his family name on buildings and streets, flagstones and parkettes. Perhaps this is for real. No matter. Once inside the castle walls, where the girls will be brought, blindfolded in the limo so they can't identify its location, they'll forget their own names in the effort to impress Prince What'shisname.
Desiree is goofy. She says she's here to turn an Italian prince into a frog. She must have had quite a bit to drink on the plane. What's her plan, do you suppose? She could be here to kiss him hoping to make him turn into a Frenchman.
The girls shop in the only clothing boutique in the vicinity, Chez Borghese on Via Borghese. (It's about here that I expected Twilight Zone music to commence, with Rod Serling stepping in front of this bevy of bimbo StepWomen, to explain where we are and what is wrong with these people. But alas, it is the Bachelor, season 9 and artificiality reigns supreme by design.) The girls pick out prom dresses and ball gowns, and to judge by what we see, there was no one to help them. Lorenzo will later ask the women if they were allowed to choose their own outfits. I think he was ready for either answer. If they said 'no,' he would fire the stylists; if 'yes,' he'd grin and bear the fact that even his favorite girls have no fashion sense and will need assistance to avoid looking hideous.
Another possibility is the clothing was brought straight from the Halloween department at Wal-Mart, but the girls were fooled because they had to pay Saks 5th Avenue prices for each item. They do encourage each other to buy really crappy outfits. Precrap and ads.
Just a reminder: the explanation of the recap's title is coming up soon!
When we return, it's time for tHost to meet Lorenzo. After all, WE already met him AND his family. We're at a 16th century castle that is to serve as Bimbette Central. I'm not sure, but I think Lorenzo also has a suite in the place. It's a four-storey ivy-covered pile. There is no doubt plenty of room for everyone. Chris and Lorenzo head inside and make their way to what appears to be a courtyard with greenery, stone floors and patio deck ensembles from Zellars.
Chris wants to know all about how Lorenzo's family came to be royalty. Lorenzo guesses his relative, Pope Paul V who was a Borghese, extended titles to the family. That was about 300-400 years ago. But, he guesses? Why doesn't he know? He just lost ten points. He says the family doesn't stand on ceremony, preferring to call each other by their usual names. However, one of Toronto's freebie papers, Metro, reported today that Lorenzo's former college pals at Rollins think Larry's "kind of a tool."
"He was not very interesting at
all and always dropped his name and 'title.'" So, there we have it. The source is cited as PageSix dot com. And there was me, all ready to make
with the "I'm sure they use the royal nomenclature to get into overbooked restaurants" joke.
Lorenzo explains he doesn't really know how to speak Italian, displaying yet more of his toolishness. He says he has "menu Italian." And that's Olive Garden, not uppity Italian riztorante, in case you're wondering. He explains he left Italy when he was 2, as if that is somehow an excuse. One lass we'll meet simply grew up in an Italian home in America and yet, she learned the language. What's his problem?
Next are inane comments about what the Papal ancestor might think of Lorenzo doing this show: the same as the rest of us, I'm sure: what's the matter with you that you can't find a woman the normal way? Indeed, Chris poses that very question: "Why are you doing this, Lorenzo?" Chris doesn't really care about the answer, he just likes asking questions that make people squirm. Lorenzo offers the threadbare "wants to get married, find the person to be with forever, have that house," blah blah blah. None of which answers the original question. People manage to do all that every day without going on TV. Viewers' ideas of why Lorenzo is doing this range from 'promoting the family cosmetics business' to 'promoting pet spa business' to finding hostesses for his private plane. 'Finding the woman to spend the rest of 2006 with' is pretty low on the Lorenzo-Meter. Icing, not cake.
Chris teases Lorenzo that the 25 women he's about to meet "run the gamut" from doctors and lawyers to teachers of all kinds. Dolphin trainer! Chris gives Lorenzo all night to get to know them, then at daybreak he needs to be ready with his list o' names. He has to send more than half of them home. More than half, eh? That's quite brutal.
The limos begin to arrive and Chris whips out the Italian phrase he learned for this episode: "Que comenza l'aventura." I should check the spelling with my learned Italian friend, Ethel Mae Potter. I think it means, "Let the adventure begin," but it might mean, "I hope you know what the hell you're doing, because the odds are against you."
Meeting the Gals.
As each woman de-limos, editing knocks itself out varying the presentation. Some women alight head-first from their limos. Others display a shapely foot in a colorful shoe. The camera tries to flash quickly to the face, but if you didn't like that shoe, who cares about the face of the woman who chose it? But it turns out that all this hopping around is merely to act as a distraction from the women's humongous asses. At least until the moment when Lorenzo joins us to watch her walk away, sashaying, galumphing or skipping as the case may be. Some women also receive walking-towards-Lorenzo time. Everyone has one-on-one "what's your name" and "aren't you cute" time. Very little of it was worth recording in recap form. Let's see what details I managed to capture. Remember, I'm not making a tape for this show unless the comedy levels increase dramatically.
Lisa is first. A pretty brunette in a black dress, Lisa is 25 and a marketing manager from Oregon. As you can see, I recorded nothing of their banter. I cannot recall anything of it. I won't repeat this sentence, so if there's no banter reported, it doesn't mean it didn't happen, only that I couldn't remember it two seconds after hearing it. My apologies. This WAS a two-hour episode, after all.
April is another brunette, 23, model from Chicago. She has a large rack. Her dress is cut on the diagonal. As she walks away, Lorenzo looks very longingly at her rear view. Too bad he didn't care much for her front view.
Kim is 27, interior designer, and blonde. She's wearing a black top with a white skirt and looks ready to attend a cocktail party for middle-management at IBM.
A brunette in a fuschia dress: Jeannette, 23 from Illinois. As she leaves, his look of longing is shorter than that for April, but it's there. He's already exuding "I'm overwhelmed" vibes.
Jessica, 25, has dark hair. She's an assistant buyer in NC. Her pretty green dress makes her look fat. Maybe she is fat.
Blonde Jami, 27, is an event planner from Texas. She's wearing a pink dress.
Claudia, 22 is a Florida restaurateur with brown hair. Her dark green dress is a long gown. She pronounces her name "clowdeeya," not "clawdeeya." Affected bitch.
Tiny Brit, 28, is a beer chemist from Ohio. Salmon pink dress. Another blonde.
Brunette Rita, 29 is a policy advisor from Virginia. Her taupe gown has idiotic black sashes hanging off weird portions of her gown. We get a look at her ass. It's not as big as some.
29 year old blonde Laura is a dolphin trainer at Sea World. Her dress is green. Her conversation with Lorenza is all about how her dress matches her eyes. She has a really big ass. I guess it was too big.
Rosella, 27, make up artist from Chicago, speaks Italian and utters a complicated sentence that flies right over his head. Onscreen translation: "Your princess has arrived." Heh. Not quite.
Red-haired Meri, 27, is an attorney in Biloxi, Mississippi. She's outgoing and seems too easily stimulated. Gold dress. Viewers noticed that she looked really awful the next morning.
Red dress, small tits, Gina, 28, is an ultrasound technician from Chicago. She barely stops to chat. You'd think that would hurt her chances, but the footage has more likely been cut to make it appear that she had nothing to say.
Heather, 34, is a registered nurse. Per the precrap she gets plastered later, cementing the passing resemblance to Farrah Fawcett. For now she looks faintly haggard. Her white gown is sparkly.
Sarah, 30, is the Canadian. She's a honey-blonde journalist from BC. Her white flowing gown accentuates her big ass.
Chris appears because it's time for ads. 10 more women to meet. Go get yourself a beverage, then resume reading.
Jennifer, 24, wears yet another pretty pink dress. She's a teacher in Florida. The pair of them talk over each other. In my view, she is too bubbly.
Carissa, 25, is a blonde attorney from Morristown NJ. Her dress is black and white.
Andrea, 28, hotel concierge in Ohio has short dark hair. I think right away she has no hope. She greets him in Italian, "Buona sera" (thanks for the correct spelling, chronic), convincing me she has no hope.
Desiree, bubbly blonde from Utah is 22 and a realtor. She exclaims, "Oh my god, you are so handsome." White dress. She squeals, "Oh baby." Oh, puke.
Tara, long blonde hair, is 25, realtor from Florida. She's in a pretty red dress.
Oh, here's that socialite Erica. Blonde. 23, from Texas. Her dress is kind of purple and makes her look kind of fat.
Ellen, 30, realtor from CT. Long honey blonde hair, green dress. The note-taking is taking its toll.
Elyse, 27, physician from New York. For some reason Lorenzo asks her to marry him. He's just practicing. He doesn't even pick her later.
Long blonde haired Renee is 30. She's a broadcast marketer from Baltimore. Her dress is long and black. "You're kinda cute," she says like she wants to chuck him under the chin. "And I'd like to stick around for a while." "Well, you have all night, lady," says the expression on Lorenzo's face. "Just don't unpack."
Sadie, 23, wears a white, sleeveless dress. She's a publicist. Lorenzo exclaims, "I love that name." Who the hell loves Sadie as a name? But little blonde Sadie is a real sweetie. She manages to be nice about the fact that "there are 24 people too many in that party."
And that's it. We've met the whole batch o' bitches. Now it's time to see how they function once they start boozing. But first, another ad break.
Getting To Know You, Getting To Know What I Don't Like About You.
Chris tells Lorenzo that during the evening, he has to pick one woman on whom to bestow the special First Impression Rose. This season they finally finished paying for Trista's Pinkstravaganza. There is a special prize for the FIR recipient: a pair of 2 kt diamond earrings. That would make hanging around making goo-goo eyes at Prince Larry a more worthwhile endeavor. Has this happened before? As I mentioned, I missed a couple of seasons.
Lorenzo heads inside. Heather goes apeshit because when he walked through the door, he looked right at her for a few moments. He was just trying not to fall over. Jennifer says he is so handsome. Erica says he is so sexy. Sadie can't believe it's happening.
Lorenzo tells the whole group it's a "most incredible sight" to look at all these women. He DRs, "25 women in my bachelor pad. Any guy would want to be in my position." Don't they always say that on the first episode? It always gets harder. Pun unavoidable.
One girl compares it to prom night, giving Lorenzo the chance to say he missed out on prom, but doesn't explain it was because he was getting high with his friends in a basement. "This is your prom," says the girl, eager to put a label on the proceedings that she can understand. He looks unimpressed and moves on.
Someone asks him what kind of music he likes and he says, "all kinds," which means he's a bit wishy-washy. Okay, wishy-washier. He likes the Grateful Dead, the Rolling Stones and a girl says, "Oh, classic rock." Then, in a way that signals he wants major kudos for it, Lorenzo says he got to see Bon Jovi in New Jersey. Jami says she got all hot just talking to him.
Erica wore her tiara not just to attract attention, but to ensure that Lorenzo understands she was born to be a princess. She DRs she's looked at her competition and noted the number of women with tattoos. According to Princess Snootynose, those cows have no chance. She modestly places herself in the Top 3 prospects. She tells Lorenzo he should feel honored because she, future Princess Erica Borghese, flew coach to be here. Ellen confides to us that she can't see the Prince trotting round New York with Erica. Looking at Ellen's picture (see below), I could see her in an off-Broadway production of Hair.
Kim gets a DR but it wasn't memorable enough for me to record. Rosella tells a couchful of women that she sold her car to be here. The women are very impressed, shocked even. You'd think Rosella had been living in the car, but this isn't Rock Star. She says she doesn't have all the money she needed to be here. She had to sell her car so she could buy the outfit she's wearing. Poor Italian from Chicago? Who would have thunk it? She DRs she has so much faith that she will be a princess. "This is my destiny!" She is so cut soon. (I'll have you know I wrote that before I even knew whom he chose.)
Oh, the pressure. Rosella finally gets a quick moment to chat with Lorenzo, albeit with 3 or 4 other hags hanging around. He wants to know how she learned Italian and asks her to say something in Italian. She complies and I meant to type what she said, but I was just so impressed . Lisa says she herself is sane and hopes he notices her. She will rectify the fact that he hasn't noticed her yet, in just a moment.
Lorenzo takes a moment to DR that he's trying to learn as much as possible. Stupid me managed to record that, but omitted Rosella cosa-cosa-ing in Italian. Jennifer explains to Lorenzo that she is an 8th grade teacher. Their banter is awful and stilted. "You are so amazing." "I think you're beautiful." Ugh. Let's move on.
A waiter/footman fellow self-importantly brings a pillow bearing the FIR and diamond earrings. Renee DRs about it, with just a hint of hysteria in her voice. She must know she isn't making progress. Sadie tells another girl she knows that's the FIR, but what are the earrings? That's a new one on her as well.
Desiree is imbibing. "This livens up the stakes," she slurs. "I'm gonna swoon him to get that rose." Carissa has a whine about it and a bunch of women watch as Desiree calls Lorenzo "baby" and gives him a demonstration of the talents she picked up in Las Vegas along with her slutty dress. He DRs she is the life of party; usually he doesn't like such forward girls, but this time he's interested to know more. Desiree asks if she may give him a kiss, and he allows her to kiss him on the cheek. That's when it happens.
We see The Flaw.
There had to be one. I mean, he looks so cute and he's so personable and charming, but it's at this moment the camera catches him in profile and we learn that his nose is huge. Like Pinocchio. Or Cyrano de Bergerac. Wow. That nose ruins the profile. And I've never heard any correlation between nose and penis size, have you?
Back to the bitches. Kim wants those fucking earrings, bad. She even says "fucking" but they bleep it out. Heh. Ads.
The explanation of the recap's title is coming up really soon now!
When we return, umpteen girls DR their desire to receive the FIR (and the earrings.) Or maybe they're just being polite about the FIR. But those kids WANT those earrings. Lisa makes her move. She tells Lorenzo Bignose she is a tree-hugger incognito. He says there are lots of trees. "Lets go hug a tree," he suggests. They make their way outside, while women upstairs make their way to the second floor balconies so they can watch and wonder what the hell is going on. The huggers find a tree and Lisa makes Lorenzo hug the tree with her. She voices-over she's loving it. He DRs it felt sort of good to hug this tree. It was "a moment."
Heather stands in the middle of a room, shrieking her desire to toast to drinking too much. Jeannette is shocked. Does Heather want to leave? It sounds like she's trying to organize a party to head into town.
Gina says Prince William has nothing on Prince Lorenzo. Andrea hopes she gets a rose tonight, but laments that she hasn't had any time with Lorenzo. She goes to a balcony and begins singing, interrupting Lorenzo's time with someone else. That someone else is Gina who DR-complains. Rita also DR-complains because the singing happened during her conversation. Well, hers and Gina's.
When Andrea is finished, Lorenzo stands and applauds. Of course, he DRs it was strange to be serenaded. He says the magic words, "Tonight is a fairytale."
Heather is nervous because she's getting to talk to Lorenzo. He asks why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She says she's had lots of boyfriends, realizes how that sounds, and tries to move on without explaining she's a psycho hosebag who always drinks too much and is usually found passed out in the men's washroom, her panties missing. Instead, she cleverly asks why Lorenzo is still single. He gives the usual "haven't found the right girl" answer and the next thing we know, they're agreeing they both love cheeseburgers. She DRs "I'm beautiful and educated," but … she's got acne on her forehead. And she's a psycho hosebeast.
During her chat, Sarah the Canadian goes, "It's intense, eh?" Sharp-eared Lorenzo realizes that means she's from Canada. That's pretty much all they have to talk about. Some woman tries to horn in but Sarah expertly blocks the assault and continues wasting more of Lorenzo's time.
Sadie is next. "I've never been to Rome before, but I've been to Paris." She explains she went to USC. "I came a long way to meet you: you better be worth it." Sadie DRs she feels it went well. She confides to us, "I'm an innocent good girl who is saving herself for marriage." Uh oh. A virgin? How will Prince Muchobignose feel about that?
In case we forgot, he DRs he's looking for his future wife. Each woman is beautiful in her special way. He's an animal on instinct. He's talking to the Morristown girl, when suddenly Chris appears, tinkling on the glass. It isn't time for a decision, but rather time to meet two more women. This time it's the two local girls. One is skinny in a black dress. She has a small head. Her name sounds like Ho-setta. The other one's name sounds like Gaysee. She is a bigger woman and her dress is cream/beige. The other women effortlessly and instantly switch into bitch on alert mode.
Hosetta is predictably a dancer. Gaysee is a "student." Hosetta displays her ho-bag dancing skills by doing something lambada-ish. She DRs in Italian that he's exquisite. Gaysee is jealous because Ho-setta spent time with Lorenzo first.
The American girls DR they are scared and intimidated. Heather is drunk enough to suggest that they turn the tables and intimidate them. Lisa figures they just need to go over and drag him away to another bench. So, they do just that.
After about two minutes, the local Italians come over and grab him right back. He certainly seems happier with the Italians. Then Lorenzo struggles with Gaysee's lack of English for items associated with skiing. "Mittens?" *Blank look* "Hunting?" *Blank look* Their conversation is painful to observe.
Another girl tells Lorenzo he's in the worst situation. Thanks for that breaking news, Cindy CNN.
It's finally time to hand out the FIR and diamonds. Lorenzo tells everyone he knows exactly who the girl is. However, he doesn't know where she is, so off he lopes with the rose and earrings in search of his one girl. He has to pass every other woman in order to find that special girl. Desiree DRs she got the dagger in her heart when he passed by her. And the lucky recipient of the earrings, FIR and future jealous acting out is none other than Treehugger Lisa. That whole "moment" with the tree really touched him and he felt it was worth giving her this lovely prize. She feels very special. She is very special. Hopefully there wasn't any poison ivy on that tree.
Of course, someone DRs about feeling envious and slightly jealous. "What does Lisa have that I don't?" moans Gina. Oy. What doesn't she have? Sadie guesses Lisa wanted the FIR even more than she herself did, and Sadie knows she wanted it "pretty bad." Erica makes bitchy comments about judging everyone on compatibility scale. "Running around drunk and hugging trees. Eye Roll." Erica is going to be the bitchy one, I just know it.
Lisa doesn't care what the other women think. SHE is here for Lorenzo. Those diamonds are pure icing. Uh huh.
Time To Make Those First Cuts.
It's the next morning and it looks like some women got some sleep, even if it was against their will. Others look really rough. I wish I had pictures because I'm not sure who it was who looked the roughest. I wonder how many slept and how many stayed up.
Rosella has butterflies and feels nauseous. Jami feels crazy insane. Claudia kids herself she's going to be more a part of history than her brief appearance on this show and in this recap. Various girls can actually taste the rose. I thought they were giving them real food. We learn that Lorenzo has to cut the group of 27 down to 12. He's already given one rose to Lisa, so he only has 11 more. That is the most severe cut I've ever seen!
Chris takes Lorenzo to the deliberation room to look at the women's pictures and figure out how many of them he can recall actually talking with. Chris wants to know what Lorenzo thinks. Lorenzo the diplomat thinks they're all special so of course he doesn't know what he's going to do. He's worried about sending home Mrs. Right. Actually, he needs to worry about keeping Miss Wrong.
There is a tidbit of recrap of girls getting out of limos. No, please, don't show all 25 of the bitches arriving. Once was more than enough. What's worse is Chris wants to know about specific women. Like Rosella and Andrea, whose operatic singing was a moment Lorenzo can honestly say he's never had happen to him before. And never wants to have happen again, if Larry's choices are to be believed. But I'm precrapping. What of Desiree? Well, Lorenzo doesn't want to start kissing 25 girls. Erica is a handful, who with her strange quirky approach is the most lifelike robot he's ever met. But does he really want a Stepford Wife? Even one with "personality?" Moving on, Chris brings up the issue of the two local gals. Oh, Lorenzo thought it was great to see them.
Well, that's more than enough time on this. Lorenzo is left to stare at the 25, make that 27, pictures. The pressure feels like a house of bricks. Lorenzo sure has odd turns of phrase. From all his chit-chat with the girls, it sounded like he's attended several universities and lived everywhere, all the time. I wonder if they kept kicking him out for being a twerp. After all, he actually says he thinks he could be down on one knee, getting engaged, at the end of this process.
Time to hand out roses. Lisa got hers already, as we know.
Lorenzo is grateful the women all showed up just for him. He's grateful no one actually threw up on him after drinking like fish all evening with only nibbles for dinner. He thinks everyone is wonderful and there really is a Santa Claus. "I had a great evening."
Kim. She arrived 3rd.
Rather than stand off to the side, each girl returns to her spot in the group, holding her rose and trying not to jump up and down and cheer too loudly.
Jeannette arrived 4th. Why I'm telling you when they arrived, I don't know. It just seems like an interesting factoid. It certainly shows that order of arrival didn't matter in terms of which girls he picked.
Jami arrived 6th.
Ellen arrived 22nd.
Sarah arrived 15th.
The camera keeps checking on Gina, who resembles a tiny kicked dog.
Desiree arrived 19th.
They also keep showing Hosetta, the Italian whore-girl, as well as Rosella, the girl who sold her car!!
Jennifer arrived 16th.
Gina arrived 13th.
Erica arrived 21st.
Sadie arrived last.
Last rose. Thanks, Chris. :rolleyes The camera was keeping a close eye on the pile of roses. What do I need you for?
The last one goes to Anyase. Oh? Her name isn't Gaysee? Anyway, she's the local Italian "student" who didn't recognize the English word "mittens." When I stumble across a picture of her, I'll post it.
There are lots of blondes and a handful of brunettes. For the moment, I think the girls with a real chance include Sadie and the local Italian girl. Lisa might have an outside chance, but it's rare that the person picked for the FIR actually doesn't go berserk at about the "Six Left" mark, and proves what a psycho she really is. So, Lisa fans, don't get your hopes up that she'll make it to Final 2. I think we also need to bear in mind that this isn't an objective beauty contest, with standardized criteria, but rather a subjective decision, based on one man's preferences and tastes. Women whom we in TV land thought attractive just didn't click with him. Take another look at that picture of his parents. Pay attention to Mom.
Heather is actually upset. She says, "It sucks." She looks old, a lot older than this airbrushed photo:
Poor Rosella had faith she would get picked. And now she's sold her car and she'll never get it back. Now where is she going to live? But she got to be on TV! Shouldn't she feel blessed?
That dress was a bad idea.
I guess you're wondering about the title of this recap. My pal Ethel Mae Potter wanted to offer condolences to the girls not chosen in her own way. "So, what did they say to these chicks when they tried to pick up their film and it wasn't ready at the Italian FotoMat?"
AMAI: "I don't know, Ethel. What?"
Ethel Mae: "Some day your prints will come…"
Speaking of prints, maybe one day those losers' pictures will appear somewhere, but not in my recap. I only included Heather and Rosella because they were so delusional and you want to watch out you or your man don't get hoodwinked by them.
Next week we get into our groove with an hour long show. Hopefully we'll also find our "special" phrase or phrases, and get the drinking games underway.
Thanks for reading.
