Previously on All Stupid Survivor the tribes proved that even if you cant do it, Home Depot can help you make it a really big pile of crap. Exhibit A: Ruperts Family Sized Bidet.
Shleppera questioned ToiletRobs work ethics. In his search for plausible reasons to get out of camp work, he connected with his inner-Debb Eaton and went in search of rocks, leaving the Schlepps in peace to construct an award-winning shelter. The Schlepps received, as Jif put it, a bounty of comfort. A quicker picker-upper indeed: under the warmth of Reward blankets and tarp, Rob & Amber batted their eyelashes at each other and curled up close.
At the Fake IC, the Mug o Mugs lost their first member because Jenna caught a vibe. She did look ill, right up until the moment Jif summoned a water taxi and off she sped, happily bowing out of the game. Anyone who doesnt know the outcome should read last weeks recaps. The game goes on, one less Mugging at the camera. 15 await their fate. To whom will Karma pay a visit, tonight?
Eww. In the credits? Cesterweenie (tm Oscirus) looks a little like Tom Cruise. I dont know for whom I feel sorrier.
Rainstorm. Schleppera. Night 9. Its a floodin. BigTom steps up, opens his mouth and grunts. The sounds are just barely recognizable as human. 17 rewinds later, I make out somethin bout kneein a goat to bit roun th shelty. Alicia dubs their situation Rio Pequeno. Small River. Okay, who peed? This isnt Coney Island, ya know. But why are these people shocked, shocked, that the rainy season means torrential downpours? How do they manage to miss every tropical hurricane news report that the rest of us hear about?
Amber points out the best features of the shelter. Thanks, Reward Parachute and Tarp. Rawb says he slept thru the night, mostly, despite the water that came up thru the floor. Thanks, Reward Blankets and Flirtation Device. Although, mind you, Amber is such a stick you wouldnt think shed keep a baby bird warm, much less a big guy like Rawb. How is that men can sleep thru just about anything? Three alarm clocks going off at 10-minute intervals, phone ringing, TV blaring. But the sound of a woman removing her underpants? Wakes em up every time.
BigTom adores young love, and with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step, informs us of the romantic mood at camp while we watch the snuggling evidence. I think Big Tom is getting more out of it than anyone, if you know what I mean. Cesterweenie, on the other hand, is rigid with jealousy. He camera-talks (or DRs as in talks in the diary room) in a clipped voice that Rawb & Amber are gonna do it. I wish them the best of luck. Luck? What do they need luck from him for? He cant even just relax and enjoy it like BigTom, so upset is he that yet again, someone else is getting the girl.
Weenie has nothing no new game plan (cuz the old one wont work a second time), no friends, no allies, no hope.
Speaking of no-hopers, lets motor over to SoBoggy and see how they fared in the Night of A Billion Raindrops. SoBoggy spent possibly the most miserable night ever experienced by any set of survivors in any season, including Im A Celebrity Get Me Outta Here. No fire, no shelter worthy of the name, no food. Rupert concedes that digging in the sand is the stupidest idea hes ever had in his life. And you know it took something extra-stupid to top his list of dubious achievements.
An exhausted Jerri isnt ready for her close-up but a Playboy spread is probably not uppermost in her mind at the moment. Sticking a shiv into Rupert holds that unenviable position. Shes on the edge of the abyss: shes about to crash head-first into the end of her 15 minutes and there isnt a damn thing she can do about it. The Bachelorette is the only show that might still be an option for her, except I think shes afraid to go for it because she already knows the answer to Colby, will you accept this rose?
Exposition from Jerri is painful to watch. Everyone is miserable. Shivering. Its a Disaster. The hole that Rupert thought was so brilliant to dig filled up with water. Never would have happened if Rupert wasn't so Stupid. Its not worth it. I think she means this ill-advised attempt to prolong her career isn't worth it. She's obviously going out of her mind.
Death knell drums play as morning finally drags itself in by its white wrinkled fingers. Ethan DRs that it was the worst morning, except when his father died. As fad, revealing which close relative died or is near death is wearing thin.
JennaL is allowed onscreen to be kind to Jerri, speaking gently as one does to the old, infirm or insane. Come out of the cave, dear, and take that hat out of your ass. Can you walk? Try and warm up.
Jerris descent into madness is deemed excellent footage and so we are force-fed some more of it. She DRs she doesnt have a clue whats going on at camp and couldnt give a rats ass what their plans are for the shelter. Well thats Sue off the hook, at least. Jerri refuses whatever is in Ruperts outstretched paw. Im not eating anything youve touched is clearly running through her nearly brain-dead skull.
Rupert figures all Jerri needs is sunshine. He is ready to make fire, rebuild the shelter, and get food! And I think hes willing to do it all by himself, to make up for being such a jackass. Jerri should be working out how much longer she can run the guilt trip on him. I wonder if they still have the Home Depot tools and whether it would be better if they didn't.
At Mug o Mugs ShiiAnn gets her moment of the episode, Last night was one of those nights you realize Mother Nature can be a forceful b!tch. Thats hardly character development. Doesn't Shii Ann think everyone is a b!tch? Kathy says they should never take for granted having knowledge of how this game works but of course she isnt really talking about herself. Oh, look! Lex has been practicing! He gets the fire going in seconds, using the Home Depot shredded twine. Hmm, you can do it, they can help. Go Survivors! Rich goes shopping and brings back 3 chunky meaty moray eels along with his Blurry Circle. Is it me or is that Circle growing?
Happy music plays while they chow down. Lex reckons there were 5-6 lbs of meat on the eels. Rich oozes pomposity, marveling about how blown away his tribemates are when he comes back with food. He can do absolutely nothing else as long as he gets food. Its good that hes finally doing something around camp, but I think his days are numbered anyway. Just to put the Dicque down and drive the point home, Lex speaks of the phenomenal job Rich does in supplying food, but adds: That said, Im really looking forward to getting the third key and having the rice, so we wont have to rely so heavily on Rich for food. Lex has clearly had his fill of thanking Dicque for his daily squat.
After ads, birds fly us back to happy Mugs. They are happy because they are on camera. They go for treemail. So does everyone else, apparently. The editors challenge is to splice together three different people reading out the lame poem, which is worse than one person doing it, and no I am NOT going to expend effort to pause, type, play, pause, type, play when everyone hates the damn things anyway. And then we see the clue read out two more times by just one person, so that was a big waste of time.
Only one line stands out - something about being clean from head to toe. Oh and it sounds like a puzzle. Not that math puzzle they had in Thailand? No way could All Stupid Survivors handle that one.
If you think MBs doggerel composers are bad, Cesterweenie is worse. MBs people would never make up a poem in which kisses and hugs is rhymed with you can eat bugs. MB may have had such a challenge but he wouldnt let them be so literal in describing it.
Reward Challenge. Jif summons the guys, and gets in his mandatory facetime yapping about the tough storm. We covered that material; can we move on already? Either nothing is happening or too much is happening. There is a lot of repetition. Rich reports his extra meaty fish, so Sue banters, Not like those bony ones you used to catch for us. I was feeding you. But that was all bone. But thats why I gave it to ya. You have no bone to give me. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
The challenge is designed to allow the players to interact and to test their memory skills. Each tribe member has a station and a small suitcase containing four items, which have been clearly marked with their names: Rock, Feather, Sponge, Shell and so on. Its necessary to spell this out because this is All Stupid Survivor and MB is painfully aware of lawsuits. What to do if you cant read the tags? Sit out the challenge, I guess.
The game is Ask and Ye Might Receive. Choose a target, whether someone from your own tribe or another, ask for something in your suitcase using the tag names. If you dont make a match, hope that the next player who has what you asked for is on your tribe. Extra points for comic repartee wont count towards the win but could land you a walk-on role in a feature film. If you let someone see into your suitcase, thats your problem. Tribe with most matches wins reward. Tribe with best remarks wins facetime in the show, if not in the recap.
Wanna know whatcha blah blah blah? Theyre playing for a Survivor bathroom. Shower, toilet, toilet paper, Scope, Crest (ooh, we have some new sponsors), toothbrushes, body wash. It's Herbal Essence, but they didn't pay to get their name mentioned.
Since two tribes already have two locks unlocked, at least one tribe will be having rice tonight.
Sitting out are Colby from Mug O Mugs and from Schleppera, Kathy and Tom (yay, reading problem solved!)
Numbers were drawn randomly. Oh? Why arent we shown that process? How can we be sure? Apparently Chapera "won" and Rob M gets to go first. I'd have thought it'd be worse to go first, but whatever. Rob M calls out Pretty boy and when Rupert, Lex and Rich swivel their heads, Jif tells him he must specify who he means. Ethan, who doesnt have a rock, but Boston must have rocks in his head. Rich has what Rawb was calling for, so Rich scores the match for his tribe. Jif injects himself again, saying that's what the game is all about. The players then begin to get what they seek on the first go. Now that's what the game is all about, really.
Kathy gets a shell from Cesterweenie, telling him she can read his mind. He hands it to her, Can you read it now? Oh yuk yuk. More gay repartee ensues. For fake repartee, may I suggest you check out the answers to Question 4 in this week's Hawkeye 10! For example, Swami suggested Colby should have asked: "Rich, do you have a large bone for me?" and Estee supplied too many brilliant answers to quote them all here. Hilarious!
Jif expresses surprise that people are guessing correctly on first tries. But as the game continues, those guesses are based less on mindreading and more on eye-seeing. Jenna opens her box so wide that Ethan goes, Jenna why dont you just leave it open and turn it around? Hahaha but ooooooh, look at the seedy underbelly of Ethan. He's not going to be Mr. Nice Guy. Maybe it really was all editing.
More matches. Lex steps away to open his case and Weenie says he already knows whats in it. Oh shut up you know nothing. Haha I like Lex more this time. Alicia gets a seed from Jerri, and wakes up the next day to find shes pregnant. ;-)
Its been close but with that its over and Schleppera has won again! Those TomFools seem unable to put a foot wrong. SoBoggy gets their second ricebox key clue. The Muggingses can just swivel.
Happy tootle music plays as Boston tells us the Schleppers had to schlep their winnings back to camp themselves. The horror! The humanity! The close shaves and bodies touching. BigTom carries the toilet on his shoulders, with his bighead sticking up through the seat, prompting Boston to comment he doesnt think thats the first time BigTom has had his head in the toilet. Oh hahaha. Kerplonk. These jokes are so old they creak. But that Tom is not the brightest light in the dashboard. It's just asking for trouble to do stuff like that.
Segue to communal bathing footage. Boston questions whether its a good idea for him and Amber to bathe each other. Well, Rob, if you dont then BigTom is going to be letting Amber put her foot on his back instead. Like Alicia is doing now, for example.
Key Hunt Finding that third key is a real puzzle, much more difficult than any of them could have imagined, not that mental acuity is this tribes strongpoint. Cesterweenie decides this is his chance to be the hero. He's never been the hero. He elects to dig in the sand for the key. Yes. In the sand. All I can think of is Charlie Brown, wanting to be the hero but always ending up the goat. It doesnt make any sense for the key to be in the sand, if you stop and think for two seconds, so BostonRob goes back to the jungle. In no time he comes up with the key in a jar. Cesterweenie looks unhappy again. Hes spent much of his life looking unhappy. Do you think that might, like, mean something? The other Schlepps are ecstatic and get that crate open and find booze as well as rice. And the rice is actually not moldy. Well, well. Now Im really shocked.
They chow down, taking time out to make derogatory remarks about the other tribes. As we know, cockiness comes before a fall.
SoBoggy Day 11. A little fire burns brightly. King Rupert tells us they got a few hours sleep in the new shelter. He says they feel at least 100% better. So, if you can't have all the characters on the show, you can find ways to have them channelled. Jerri has recovered, youll be happy to hear. She worked on improving the roof, while Jenna got water and Rupert got a fish and oysters and shrimp. Jerri thanks everyone, even Ethan. Oh, what did Ethan do? Kept out of everyones way, I guess. Jenna makes out with the fish. She's still mad at Ethan for his snotty comments to her during the RC.
Jerri is getting way too much facetime. Do you suppose shell get the boot soon? Just when she was happy to be there and everything. She was on the verge of going completely mad, but now shes okay. Now shes sane. Put down that phone. No need to call in the white coats.
Immunity Challenge. Recycling is the wave of the future, and MB loves to ride waves of the future. Todays IC is the old How Well Can You Hear Your TribeMate When Two Other People Are Yelling Just As Loud?
Three people will act as guides, one for each tribe, directing their teammates as they stumble drunkenly in a blindfolded race to collect 15 puzzah pieces. Once all puzzah pieces are at the tribes square, blindfolds may be removed and assembly may commence. The smartest members of the group, Shii Ann, Cesterweenie & Amber, sit out.
First and second tribes to finish win immunity, third tribe will be schlepping its sorry ass to TC. Guess who didnt win? Oh okay, lets not jump ahead too quickly this segment was just brimming with funny moments.
Tom falls down in the water.He's not the most balanced. Ethan drops a piece in his tribe's square and Colby trips over it. Then Tom runs into a piece carried by someone else, taking it in the gut. Tom falls in the water again.
Lex manages to get out of Richs sightline. Lex is given poor directions by Rich, but no one told Lex to move like a crab, close to the ground with his arms waving. Big Tom gets clobbered by Colby's piece and this recap is moving into X-rated territory. Oops, Tom is down again. Tom is useless even when he can see. Blindfolded hes just getting the rice knocked out of him.
Schleppers have their pieces gathered first. The puzzle building portion is fairly lame, although watching Schleppers struggle is mildly amusing. Jif tells us that Jerri continues to lead SoBoggy and indeed they win their first immunity under her direction. Hey, good for Jerri. I actually like her more this time. I guess I just feel sorry for her. But Rupert better not get any ideas. Just because SoBoggy has won its first and possibly its last immunity is no reason to force the tribe to rebuild the shelter again.
After SoBoggy wins, JennaL cheers on the Mugs. Oh, stupid move, there, Jenna, you idiot. Way to telegraph your future alliance plans to Schleppera. When the Mugs win 2nd place, Kathy jumps on Colby like hes her son. Jif looks on disapprovingly.
Alicia cant believe they had all the pieces first. Heh, well, not by much but thats the way it goes on All Stupid Survivor. Maybe when the other tribes get rice and a bath, theyll lose too.
Post IC, Schleppers walk back to camp accompanied by weird music. BostonRob says they have to start playing the game now, on Day 12. It was a tough challenge.
Cesterweenie says their best puzzle building team was sidelined. If he had been in there, they could have won. Oh right, yeah, you, the champeen puzzle solver. The guy who dug in the sand looking for a key. Right. And yet he hopes the tribe has learned the lesson that they need him.
Amber takes Tom aside and says it will be, You and me, and Boston Rob will be on our side, and well vote out Rob Cesternino. Tom says he thinks Weenie has gotten smart. Amber replies, Hes too smart thats why weve got to get him out of here. Oh so maybe it is a respect vote after all. Well, he can take comfort in that.
Tom DRs he doesnt think theyd be better off without Weenie and would prefer to boot Alicia. For her part, Alicia loves Weenie, which comes as a surprise to those of us who figured she went the other way. She thinks he senses his head may be on the chopping block. She is also nervous on her own account cuz nobody is really talking about plans.
Then an amazing thing happens. BostonRob makes an alliance pact with Cesterweenie, who DRs to tell us that hes in an alliance with Boston and Amber. Alicia fixes rice. Everyone eats and it's just interesting to see Weenie alone on one seat and everyone else together on another.
BostonRob alienates a few viewers by pompously saying, Sue, Alicia, or Cesternino will be going. I havent made up my mind, but when I do, thats who will go. I may have to rename this All Pompous Survivor.
At TC, Jif recrapiterates the Story of Fire Being Life. I bet theyll find a way to change the tribes around every few episodes, so that FireWarden Jif can keep on having a reason to give this spielette. As long as one person at TC hasnt been reminded that fire=life, rest assured that Jif will be recrapping himself.
Since its their first time at TC, Jif wants to talk about everything. Tom says its pretty tough. "Itll git to ya if you go all out. Whoa mama. Looks like Big Tom really benefited from getting whapped in the head at the Reward Challenge. I can understand him completely now.
Cesterweenie bleats that it is harder physically, but thats what they signed up for, this is All Star. Amber says shes very good at keeping her temper and there are a few on the tribe who do lose their tempers. Shes good at calming people down and talking sense into them. A number of viewers fall out of their chairs and hit their heads. Amber? Talking sense into people? It could happen. This is All Stars.
Sue says that them losing today made them more dangerous. Jif asks Tom again how hes feeling. (This is poor editing.) Tom wants the tag number off that truck that hit him. That joke is old.
Then Jif gets to the topic hes been dying to ask these people about since Day 1 the budding romance between Boston & Amber. Tom talks about the grinding. No! Dont use that term. It conjures up such horrible memories.
Blushing? Amber denies it. Boston denies it. Amber says shes 25, young and having fun. Tom says, Im 48, old, watchin and having fun. Call me a DOW Dirty Old Woman, then. I'm in my 40s and enjoying watching them too.
Alicia confirms that the lovebirds are very close. You cant get between the two of them." And Lord knows she's tried. Boston acknowledges theyve been flirting with each other since Day 1. What? Truthfully? "Since we met at one of those Survivor Functions. Thanks for putting us on the same tribe."
But he is steadfast in his commitment to the game, first & foremost. He says it in such a way that Amber hears some other meaning. Like, he's not really working to share it with her, she'll have to earn it for herself. So Ambwhore gets a weird look on her face. Shell have to talk some sense into Bawstin later.
Christ this is going on for a long time. Was it necessary to discuss it at Tribal Council, Jiffy Pop you perv?
Toms vote will be in an effort to prove he's loyal to the group. He's probably really hot for Sue but he's supposed to be hot for the young'un, so telling Rob C. it's about booting that bossy chick Alicia is just, well, he had to think of it as taking one for the team.
Look at Tom with the big words : "strengthen the tribe." Amber must have been having a lot of words with him. Maybe she's not so stupid.
Sue's game is more complex than people realize. She's here to play the Not So Obvious Weak Female Who's Being a Brave ExTrucker. Sue pipes up she has been worried since she stepped on the island cuz she can be a b!tch and it's a bit hard to take. Totally without self-control Tom blurts, I didnt say nuthin. and damn but the transformation is amazing - you really can understand a lot more of what he says.
Sue doesnt go around sucking up to people or trying to pretend shes something shes not.
Voting Cesterweenie votes for Alicia. Next time I see you there will be a big finger wagging in my face.
Alicia votes for Weenie: Youre a great guy and really funny but we need a little more seriousness. Really funny? Maybe, if you mean laughing at him.
Jif goes to tally. Votes read, decision final. Person leaves immediately. And we saw the first votes for Rob C. and Alicia. Thanks for the tally, there, Jif. Youre about as useful as Chris Harrison, the tHost of the Bachelor/ette, telling us theres one rose left.
Then theres another vote for Rob and he looks stunned. Then another vote for Rob and he realizes that its pretty unlikely there will be any further votes for Alicia. When Jif says the magic words, And the first person voted out of the Schleppera tribe is Weenie knows his weiner is cooked. Im ecstatic. Goodbye traitorous schmuck.
Next time on Rupert gets a shot at redemption. There is raft-building. Sue tells us something we learned a long time ago - Tom is a stupid drunk.
Final Words Cesterweenie is disappointed and felt he was targeted unfairly. (Eye pop!) Hes gonna take it as a sign of respect. Its gonna take him a little while to swallow this one.
And now, its time for The Ballad of the Schlep Named Robasu (to the tune of Johnny Cashs Boy Named Sue)
The tribe is spelled Chapera
Jiff pronounced it Shapira
Thus the Schleppera Tribe was born anew
Misfits and men who can barely talk
Quiet girls and girls who squawk
And the greatest player who never won, Robasu
His m.o. in the Amazon
Was to lie and backstab everyone
While makes jokes and consulting his Magic 8Ball
The minute he got to A.S.S. he shirked
While others sweated toiled and worked
His fellow Schleps didnt trust him at all.
The Schelpperas got their final rice clue
It was harder to solve but what did Rob do?
He dug in the sand like a child or a dog
Ill be the hero I wont be the goat.
Boston Rob laughed deep in his throat
It was too late for the Schleppy lump on a log.
The key was found where Boston Rob said
And not a single tear was shed
For the foolishness of the Schlep named Robasu
At the challenge for immunity
They benched the dumbass Cesterweenie
There was to be no moment to shine for Robasu
Tho they gathered their pieces first that day
The Mugs and the Bogs had better play
And Schleppera faced their first Tribal C.
The Schlepps consulted one another
Whom to boot, sister or brother?
Ill decide, declared Boston pompously.
Robasu thought that he was safe
With his allies Rawb and the Amber waif
Alicia could stuff her finger up her butt
The Tribal Council went on and on
Everyone talked, three hours long
Finally it was time to vote & see a torch snuffed
Jif got the urn and read the votes
Robasu figured it was time to gloat
But it wasnt, and the camera showed his face fall
Vote after vote bore the name of Rob
It was clear they were booting the slob
No longer the greatest non-winning player of them all.
His groups of fans at every site
Were disappointed at their favorites plight
There isnt much any of them can do
Hes a player who had numbered days
For shirking work and disloyal ways
A couple of laughs aint worth spit, Robasu.
Karmas a b!tch, but its hand seems guided
When the blindsider is who gets blindsided
Im glad to say buh-bye to the Schlep named Robasu.
Its back to the basement for RobWeenie
Please go quietly dont make a scene-y
Magic 8 Ball says The Outlook is Grim for you.
May you never re-appear on my tv set
Tho on that hope I will not bet
A DAW is a DAW til the day he dies its true
Perhaps a doofus on Average Joe
Or the second incarnation of Joe Schmo
But for now its over for the Schlep named Robasu
Thanks for reading.
Shleppera questioned ToiletRobs work ethics. In his search for plausible reasons to get out of camp work, he connected with his inner-Debb Eaton and went in search of rocks, leaving the Schlepps in peace to construct an award-winning shelter. The Schlepps received, as Jif put it, a bounty of comfort. A quicker picker-upper indeed: under the warmth of Reward blankets and tarp, Rob & Amber batted their eyelashes at each other and curled up close.
At the Fake IC, the Mug o Mugs lost their first member because Jenna caught a vibe. She did look ill, right up until the moment Jif summoned a water taxi and off she sped, happily bowing out of the game. Anyone who doesnt know the outcome should read last weeks recaps. The game goes on, one less Mugging at the camera. 15 await their fate. To whom will Karma pay a visit, tonight?
Eww. In the credits? Cesterweenie (tm Oscirus) looks a little like Tom Cruise. I dont know for whom I feel sorrier.
Rainstorm. Schleppera. Night 9. Its a floodin. BigTom steps up, opens his mouth and grunts. The sounds are just barely recognizable as human. 17 rewinds later, I make out somethin bout kneein a goat to bit roun th shelty. Alicia dubs their situation Rio Pequeno. Small River. Okay, who peed? This isnt Coney Island, ya know. But why are these people shocked, shocked, that the rainy season means torrential downpours? How do they manage to miss every tropical hurricane news report that the rest of us hear about?
Amber points out the best features of the shelter. Thanks, Reward Parachute and Tarp. Rawb says he slept thru the night, mostly, despite the water that came up thru the floor. Thanks, Reward Blankets and Flirtation Device. Although, mind you, Amber is such a stick you wouldnt think shed keep a baby bird warm, much less a big guy like Rawb. How is that men can sleep thru just about anything? Three alarm clocks going off at 10-minute intervals, phone ringing, TV blaring. But the sound of a woman removing her underpants? Wakes em up every time.
BigTom adores young love, and with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step, informs us of the romantic mood at camp while we watch the snuggling evidence. I think Big Tom is getting more out of it than anyone, if you know what I mean. Cesterweenie, on the other hand, is rigid with jealousy. He camera-talks (or DRs as in talks in the diary room) in a clipped voice that Rawb & Amber are gonna do it. I wish them the best of luck. Luck? What do they need luck from him for? He cant even just relax and enjoy it like BigTom, so upset is he that yet again, someone else is getting the girl.
Weenie has nothing no new game plan (cuz the old one wont work a second time), no friends, no allies, no hope.
Speaking of no-hopers, lets motor over to SoBoggy and see how they fared in the Night of A Billion Raindrops. SoBoggy spent possibly the most miserable night ever experienced by any set of survivors in any season, including Im A Celebrity Get Me Outta Here. No fire, no shelter worthy of the name, no food. Rupert concedes that digging in the sand is the stupidest idea hes ever had in his life. And you know it took something extra-stupid to top his list of dubious achievements.
An exhausted Jerri isnt ready for her close-up but a Playboy spread is probably not uppermost in her mind at the moment. Sticking a shiv into Rupert holds that unenviable position. Shes on the edge of the abyss: shes about to crash head-first into the end of her 15 minutes and there isnt a damn thing she can do about it. The Bachelorette is the only show that might still be an option for her, except I think shes afraid to go for it because she already knows the answer to Colby, will you accept this rose?
Exposition from Jerri is painful to watch. Everyone is miserable. Shivering. Its a Disaster. The hole that Rupert thought was so brilliant to dig filled up with water. Never would have happened if Rupert wasn't so Stupid. Its not worth it. I think she means this ill-advised attempt to prolong her career isn't worth it. She's obviously going out of her mind.
Death knell drums play as morning finally drags itself in by its white wrinkled fingers. Ethan DRs that it was the worst morning, except when his father died. As fad, revealing which close relative died or is near death is wearing thin.
JennaL is allowed onscreen to be kind to Jerri, speaking gently as one does to the old, infirm or insane. Come out of the cave, dear, and take that hat out of your ass. Can you walk? Try and warm up.
Jerris descent into madness is deemed excellent footage and so we are force-fed some more of it. She DRs she doesnt have a clue whats going on at camp and couldnt give a rats ass what their plans are for the shelter. Well thats Sue off the hook, at least. Jerri refuses whatever is in Ruperts outstretched paw. Im not eating anything youve touched is clearly running through her nearly brain-dead skull.
Rupert figures all Jerri needs is sunshine. He is ready to make fire, rebuild the shelter, and get food! And I think hes willing to do it all by himself, to make up for being such a jackass. Jerri should be working out how much longer she can run the guilt trip on him. I wonder if they still have the Home Depot tools and whether it would be better if they didn't.
At Mug o Mugs ShiiAnn gets her moment of the episode, Last night was one of those nights you realize Mother Nature can be a forceful b!tch. Thats hardly character development. Doesn't Shii Ann think everyone is a b!tch? Kathy says they should never take for granted having knowledge of how this game works but of course she isnt really talking about herself. Oh, look! Lex has been practicing! He gets the fire going in seconds, using the Home Depot shredded twine. Hmm, you can do it, they can help. Go Survivors! Rich goes shopping and brings back 3 chunky meaty moray eels along with his Blurry Circle. Is it me or is that Circle growing?
Happy music plays while they chow down. Lex reckons there were 5-6 lbs of meat on the eels. Rich oozes pomposity, marveling about how blown away his tribemates are when he comes back with food. He can do absolutely nothing else as long as he gets food. Its good that hes finally doing something around camp, but I think his days are numbered anyway. Just to put the Dicque down and drive the point home, Lex speaks of the phenomenal job Rich does in supplying food, but adds: That said, Im really looking forward to getting the third key and having the rice, so we wont have to rely so heavily on Rich for food. Lex has clearly had his fill of thanking Dicque for his daily squat.
After ads, birds fly us back to happy Mugs. They are happy because they are on camera. They go for treemail. So does everyone else, apparently. The editors challenge is to splice together three different people reading out the lame poem, which is worse than one person doing it, and no I am NOT going to expend effort to pause, type, play, pause, type, play when everyone hates the damn things anyway. And then we see the clue read out two more times by just one person, so that was a big waste of time.
Only one line stands out - something about being clean from head to toe. Oh and it sounds like a puzzle. Not that math puzzle they had in Thailand? No way could All Stupid Survivors handle that one.
If you think MBs doggerel composers are bad, Cesterweenie is worse. MBs people would never make up a poem in which kisses and hugs is rhymed with you can eat bugs. MB may have had such a challenge but he wouldnt let them be so literal in describing it.
Reward Challenge. Jif summons the guys, and gets in his mandatory facetime yapping about the tough storm. We covered that material; can we move on already? Either nothing is happening or too much is happening. There is a lot of repetition. Rich reports his extra meaty fish, so Sue banters, Not like those bony ones you used to catch for us. I was feeding you. But that was all bone. But thats why I gave it to ya. You have no bone to give me. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
The challenge is designed to allow the players to interact and to test their memory skills. Each tribe member has a station and a small suitcase containing four items, which have been clearly marked with their names: Rock, Feather, Sponge, Shell and so on. Its necessary to spell this out because this is All Stupid Survivor and MB is painfully aware of lawsuits. What to do if you cant read the tags? Sit out the challenge, I guess.
The game is Ask and Ye Might Receive. Choose a target, whether someone from your own tribe or another, ask for something in your suitcase using the tag names. If you dont make a match, hope that the next player who has what you asked for is on your tribe. Extra points for comic repartee wont count towards the win but could land you a walk-on role in a feature film. If you let someone see into your suitcase, thats your problem. Tribe with most matches wins reward. Tribe with best remarks wins facetime in the show, if not in the recap.
Wanna know whatcha blah blah blah? Theyre playing for a Survivor bathroom. Shower, toilet, toilet paper, Scope, Crest (ooh, we have some new sponsors), toothbrushes, body wash. It's Herbal Essence, but they didn't pay to get their name mentioned.
Since two tribes already have two locks unlocked, at least one tribe will be having rice tonight.
Sitting out are Colby from Mug O Mugs and from Schleppera, Kathy and Tom (yay, reading problem solved!)
Numbers were drawn randomly. Oh? Why arent we shown that process? How can we be sure? Apparently Chapera "won" and Rob M gets to go first. I'd have thought it'd be worse to go first, but whatever. Rob M calls out Pretty boy and when Rupert, Lex and Rich swivel their heads, Jif tells him he must specify who he means. Ethan, who doesnt have a rock, but Boston must have rocks in his head. Rich has what Rawb was calling for, so Rich scores the match for his tribe. Jif injects himself again, saying that's what the game is all about. The players then begin to get what they seek on the first go. Now that's what the game is all about, really.
Kathy gets a shell from Cesterweenie, telling him she can read his mind. He hands it to her, Can you read it now? Oh yuk yuk. More gay repartee ensues. For fake repartee, may I suggest you check out the answers to Question 4 in this week's Hawkeye 10! For example, Swami suggested Colby should have asked: "Rich, do you have a large bone for me?" and Estee supplied too many brilliant answers to quote them all here. Hilarious!
Jif expresses surprise that people are guessing correctly on first tries. But as the game continues, those guesses are based less on mindreading and more on eye-seeing. Jenna opens her box so wide that Ethan goes, Jenna why dont you just leave it open and turn it around? Hahaha but ooooooh, look at the seedy underbelly of Ethan. He's not going to be Mr. Nice Guy. Maybe it really was all editing.
More matches. Lex steps away to open his case and Weenie says he already knows whats in it. Oh shut up you know nothing. Haha I like Lex more this time. Alicia gets a seed from Jerri, and wakes up the next day to find shes pregnant. ;-)
Its been close but with that its over and Schleppera has won again! Those TomFools seem unable to put a foot wrong. SoBoggy gets their second ricebox key clue. The Muggingses can just swivel.
Happy tootle music plays as Boston tells us the Schleppers had to schlep their winnings back to camp themselves. The horror! The humanity! The close shaves and bodies touching. BigTom carries the toilet on his shoulders, with his bighead sticking up through the seat, prompting Boston to comment he doesnt think thats the first time BigTom has had his head in the toilet. Oh hahaha. Kerplonk. These jokes are so old they creak. But that Tom is not the brightest light in the dashboard. It's just asking for trouble to do stuff like that.
Segue to communal bathing footage. Boston questions whether its a good idea for him and Amber to bathe each other. Well, Rob, if you dont then BigTom is going to be letting Amber put her foot on his back instead. Like Alicia is doing now, for example.
Key Hunt Finding that third key is a real puzzle, much more difficult than any of them could have imagined, not that mental acuity is this tribes strongpoint. Cesterweenie decides this is his chance to be the hero. He's never been the hero. He elects to dig in the sand for the key. Yes. In the sand. All I can think of is Charlie Brown, wanting to be the hero but always ending up the goat. It doesnt make any sense for the key to be in the sand, if you stop and think for two seconds, so BostonRob goes back to the jungle. In no time he comes up with the key in a jar. Cesterweenie looks unhappy again. Hes spent much of his life looking unhappy. Do you think that might, like, mean something? The other Schlepps are ecstatic and get that crate open and find booze as well as rice. And the rice is actually not moldy. Well, well. Now Im really shocked.
They chow down, taking time out to make derogatory remarks about the other tribes. As we know, cockiness comes before a fall.
SoBoggy Day 11. A little fire burns brightly. King Rupert tells us they got a few hours sleep in the new shelter. He says they feel at least 100% better. So, if you can't have all the characters on the show, you can find ways to have them channelled. Jerri has recovered, youll be happy to hear. She worked on improving the roof, while Jenna got water and Rupert got a fish and oysters and shrimp. Jerri thanks everyone, even Ethan. Oh, what did Ethan do? Kept out of everyones way, I guess. Jenna makes out with the fish. She's still mad at Ethan for his snotty comments to her during the RC.
Jerri is getting way too much facetime. Do you suppose shell get the boot soon? Just when she was happy to be there and everything. She was on the verge of going completely mad, but now shes okay. Now shes sane. Put down that phone. No need to call in the white coats.
Immunity Challenge. Recycling is the wave of the future, and MB loves to ride waves of the future. Todays IC is the old How Well Can You Hear Your TribeMate When Two Other People Are Yelling Just As Loud?
Three people will act as guides, one for each tribe, directing their teammates as they stumble drunkenly in a blindfolded race to collect 15 puzzah pieces. Once all puzzah pieces are at the tribes square, blindfolds may be removed and assembly may commence. The smartest members of the group, Shii Ann, Cesterweenie & Amber, sit out.
First and second tribes to finish win immunity, third tribe will be schlepping its sorry ass to TC. Guess who didnt win? Oh okay, lets not jump ahead too quickly this segment was just brimming with funny moments.
Tom falls down in the water.He's not the most balanced. Ethan drops a piece in his tribe's square and Colby trips over it. Then Tom runs into a piece carried by someone else, taking it in the gut. Tom falls in the water again.
Lex manages to get out of Richs sightline. Lex is given poor directions by Rich, but no one told Lex to move like a crab, close to the ground with his arms waving. Big Tom gets clobbered by Colby's piece and this recap is moving into X-rated territory. Oops, Tom is down again. Tom is useless even when he can see. Blindfolded hes just getting the rice knocked out of him.
Schleppers have their pieces gathered first. The puzzle building portion is fairly lame, although watching Schleppers struggle is mildly amusing. Jif tells us that Jerri continues to lead SoBoggy and indeed they win their first immunity under her direction. Hey, good for Jerri. I actually like her more this time. I guess I just feel sorry for her. But Rupert better not get any ideas. Just because SoBoggy has won its first and possibly its last immunity is no reason to force the tribe to rebuild the shelter again.
After SoBoggy wins, JennaL cheers on the Mugs. Oh, stupid move, there, Jenna, you idiot. Way to telegraph your future alliance plans to Schleppera. When the Mugs win 2nd place, Kathy jumps on Colby like hes her son. Jif looks on disapprovingly.
Alicia cant believe they had all the pieces first. Heh, well, not by much but thats the way it goes on All Stupid Survivor. Maybe when the other tribes get rice and a bath, theyll lose too.
Post IC, Schleppers walk back to camp accompanied by weird music. BostonRob says they have to start playing the game now, on Day 12. It was a tough challenge.
Cesterweenie says their best puzzle building team was sidelined. If he had been in there, they could have won. Oh right, yeah, you, the champeen puzzle solver. The guy who dug in the sand looking for a key. Right. And yet he hopes the tribe has learned the lesson that they need him.
Amber takes Tom aside and says it will be, You and me, and Boston Rob will be on our side, and well vote out Rob Cesternino. Tom says he thinks Weenie has gotten smart. Amber replies, Hes too smart thats why weve got to get him out of here. Oh so maybe it is a respect vote after all. Well, he can take comfort in that.
Tom DRs he doesnt think theyd be better off without Weenie and would prefer to boot Alicia. For her part, Alicia loves Weenie, which comes as a surprise to those of us who figured she went the other way. She thinks he senses his head may be on the chopping block. She is also nervous on her own account cuz nobody is really talking about plans.
Then an amazing thing happens. BostonRob makes an alliance pact with Cesterweenie, who DRs to tell us that hes in an alliance with Boston and Amber. Alicia fixes rice. Everyone eats and it's just interesting to see Weenie alone on one seat and everyone else together on another.
BostonRob alienates a few viewers by pompously saying, Sue, Alicia, or Cesternino will be going. I havent made up my mind, but when I do, thats who will go. I may have to rename this All Pompous Survivor.
At TC, Jif recrapiterates the Story of Fire Being Life. I bet theyll find a way to change the tribes around every few episodes, so that FireWarden Jif can keep on having a reason to give this spielette. As long as one person at TC hasnt been reminded that fire=life, rest assured that Jif will be recrapping himself.
Since its their first time at TC, Jif wants to talk about everything. Tom says its pretty tough. "Itll git to ya if you go all out. Whoa mama. Looks like Big Tom really benefited from getting whapped in the head at the Reward Challenge. I can understand him completely now.
Cesterweenie bleats that it is harder physically, but thats what they signed up for, this is All Star. Amber says shes very good at keeping her temper and there are a few on the tribe who do lose their tempers. Shes good at calming people down and talking sense into them. A number of viewers fall out of their chairs and hit their heads. Amber? Talking sense into people? It could happen. This is All Stars.
Sue says that them losing today made them more dangerous. Jif asks Tom again how hes feeling. (This is poor editing.) Tom wants the tag number off that truck that hit him. That joke is old.
Then Jif gets to the topic hes been dying to ask these people about since Day 1 the budding romance between Boston & Amber. Tom talks about the grinding. No! Dont use that term. It conjures up such horrible memories.
Blushing? Amber denies it. Boston denies it. Amber says shes 25, young and having fun. Tom says, Im 48, old, watchin and having fun. Call me a DOW Dirty Old Woman, then. I'm in my 40s and enjoying watching them too.
Alicia confirms that the lovebirds are very close. You cant get between the two of them." And Lord knows she's tried. Boston acknowledges theyve been flirting with each other since Day 1. What? Truthfully? "Since we met at one of those Survivor Functions. Thanks for putting us on the same tribe."
But he is steadfast in his commitment to the game, first & foremost. He says it in such a way that Amber hears some other meaning. Like, he's not really working to share it with her, she'll have to earn it for herself. So Ambwhore gets a weird look on her face. Shell have to talk some sense into Bawstin later.
Christ this is going on for a long time. Was it necessary to discuss it at Tribal Council, Jiffy Pop you perv?
Toms vote will be in an effort to prove he's loyal to the group. He's probably really hot for Sue but he's supposed to be hot for the young'un, so telling Rob C. it's about booting that bossy chick Alicia is just, well, he had to think of it as taking one for the team.
Look at Tom with the big words : "strengthen the tribe." Amber must have been having a lot of words with him. Maybe she's not so stupid.
Sue's game is more complex than people realize. She's here to play the Not So Obvious Weak Female Who's Being a Brave ExTrucker. Sue pipes up she has been worried since she stepped on the island cuz she can be a b!tch and it's a bit hard to take. Totally without self-control Tom blurts, I didnt say nuthin. and damn but the transformation is amazing - you really can understand a lot more of what he says.
Sue doesnt go around sucking up to people or trying to pretend shes something shes not.
Voting Cesterweenie votes for Alicia. Next time I see you there will be a big finger wagging in my face.
Alicia votes for Weenie: Youre a great guy and really funny but we need a little more seriousness. Really funny? Maybe, if you mean laughing at him.
Jif goes to tally. Votes read, decision final. Person leaves immediately. And we saw the first votes for Rob C. and Alicia. Thanks for the tally, there, Jif. Youre about as useful as Chris Harrison, the tHost of the Bachelor/ette, telling us theres one rose left.
Then theres another vote for Rob and he looks stunned. Then another vote for Rob and he realizes that its pretty unlikely there will be any further votes for Alicia. When Jif says the magic words, And the first person voted out of the Schleppera tribe is Weenie knows his weiner is cooked. Im ecstatic. Goodbye traitorous schmuck.
Next time on Rupert gets a shot at redemption. There is raft-building. Sue tells us something we learned a long time ago - Tom is a stupid drunk.
Final Words Cesterweenie is disappointed and felt he was targeted unfairly. (Eye pop!) Hes gonna take it as a sign of respect. Its gonna take him a little while to swallow this one.
And now, its time for The Ballad of the Schlep Named Robasu (to the tune of Johnny Cashs Boy Named Sue)
The tribe is spelled Chapera
Jiff pronounced it Shapira
Thus the Schleppera Tribe was born anew
Misfits and men who can barely talk
Quiet girls and girls who squawk
And the greatest player who never won, Robasu
His m.o. in the Amazon
Was to lie and backstab everyone
While makes jokes and consulting his Magic 8Ball
The minute he got to A.S.S. he shirked
While others sweated toiled and worked
His fellow Schleps didnt trust him at all.
The Schelpperas got their final rice clue
It was harder to solve but what did Rob do?
He dug in the sand like a child or a dog
Ill be the hero I wont be the goat.
Boston Rob laughed deep in his throat
It was too late for the Schleppy lump on a log.
The key was found where Boston Rob said
And not a single tear was shed
For the foolishness of the Schlep named Robasu
At the challenge for immunity
They benched the dumbass Cesterweenie
There was to be no moment to shine for Robasu
Tho they gathered their pieces first that day
The Mugs and the Bogs had better play
And Schleppera faced their first Tribal C.
The Schlepps consulted one another
Whom to boot, sister or brother?
Ill decide, declared Boston pompously.
Robasu thought that he was safe
With his allies Rawb and the Amber waif
Alicia could stuff her finger up her butt
The Tribal Council went on and on
Everyone talked, three hours long
Finally it was time to vote & see a torch snuffed
Jif got the urn and read the votes
Robasu figured it was time to gloat
But it wasnt, and the camera showed his face fall
Vote after vote bore the name of Rob
It was clear they were booting the slob
No longer the greatest non-winning player of them all.
His groups of fans at every site
Were disappointed at their favorites plight
There isnt much any of them can do
Hes a player who had numbered days
For shirking work and disloyal ways
A couple of laughs aint worth spit, Robasu.
Karmas a b!tch, but its hand seems guided
When the blindsider is who gets blindsided
Im glad to say buh-bye to the Schlep named Robasu.
Its back to the basement for RobWeenie
Please go quietly dont make a scene-y
Magic 8 Ball says The Outlook is Grim for you.
May you never re-appear on my tv set
Tho on that hope I will not bet
A DAW is a DAW til the day he dies its true
Perhaps a doofus on Average Joe
Or the second incarnation of Joe Schmo
But for now its over for the Schlep named Robasu
Thanks for reading.
