Preface
All Stupid Survivor is what in fact this series is turning out to be.
Introduction
Survivor on right after the Game?! TV Guide is worth buying? It said 10 pm and it will happen at 10 pm.
Real time? What's real time? My life is one edited sequence of inter-personal transactions after another. Its almost 10 p.m. and with only 3.26 minutes left on the clock in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl, the game better be over soon. Right? The show will begin any minute now, cuz I got friends and...
Wrong.
Rudy was removed from the game last week. No. wait, that's this week and I'm about to recap the first night and I must try to get the tense just right to assist the delicate sensibilities of feminists and metrosexuals everywhere.
Back to Week 1.
Uh-oh. With my tape set for 10 pm, I pick the game back up. At 1:08 left in the SuperBowl, the Carolina Thingamy-jigs score a touchdown and make the lame-o easy conversion kick. Score is tied at 29. Ya know, in rugby, the spot in the scoring zone where the ball is placed determines the balls location in the field for the conversion. If you want to place the ball right in front, you have to score between the goalposts.
Actually, why the hell is the Super Bowl worth having on ahead? I guess it would make a big night of it for the West Coasters. We east-coasters can just suck on it for a change. The only thing that having the Super Bowl on before the opening episode of Survivor is all about, is to get us good & pissed off for the introduction of the whiniest whiners ever, or in this case, whom we thought wed never have to lay eyes on again.
Anyway the score is fuckin tied, with only a fuckin minute to go. I dont care which fuckin team wins it, as long as its won in regulation time. Somebody needs to score in :51, :44, :15. Fifteen seconds left on the clock and time-out time again.
To make things worse, the station keep promoting Survivor as coming up right after this nonsense finishes. The theme music struggles to be heard over the squalling and squealing from the field of play and/or the stadiumful of fans.
Half an hour ago there were 3.26 minutes left on the clock. Is any other game in the world capable of elongating 3:26 minutes into 32.6? 8 seconds on the clock, and the announcers are burbling about a field goal attempt by the team closer to the goal. Is that the Patriots? Oh, now there are 9 seconds left. Great. Will it never end?
Yay. Field goal. Woohoo. The Patriots win, and this is now officially over. Oh, its not. Fer petes sake, what can be done with 4 seconds? Okay, NOW its over. No? Post-game show. Post game show? Aaaaccccckkkkk.
Finally, the Super Bowl and all its pre-show, half-time and post-show hoopla are history. Well, until the next days newspapers, when I found out I missed Janet Jacksons right tit getting its own 15 minutes of fame during half-time thanks to Justin Timbertit.
It begins!
10:56 p.m. and finally time for Survivor All-Stars! WooHoo. Rupert! Sue! Colby! Kathy! Rudy! Amber! Amber? Wait a minute. Amber is an All-Star? She did a fine job of riding coat-tails, I think we could agree. Obviously when MBs first, second and third choices didnt pan out, he had to keep inviting until he got 18 contestants to agree to be on A.S.S. Explains the presence of Rob Mariano, Jenna Lewis and Tom Buchanan.
A fleet of Spanish military naval runabouts accompanies our fearsome whiners, as they tootle in the general direction of their islands. Jif busts a gut and a lung to shout over the whirr of machinery. Jif screeches that the military escort was necessary to ensure top secrecy, er their safe arrival. Some people really believe Pirates of the Caribbean is a true story, I guess. And Jif, was it too much trouble to re-do that bit in the studio? I bet the fleet was more about surveillance than protection. Just keeping an eye on Mark Burnett & Co. to make sure they didnt destroy any other ancient landmarks in the vicinity. We get helicopter-eye view of the teams on their boats with tribe names easily visible. According to the translation, the groups all headed out at different times, to maintain the secrecy.
Jif continues to bleat the backstory. Each player has been given one canteen and very little information, as onscreen we watch three boats speed along three separate inlets of water. So, theyre keeping them in the dark. This is All Stupid Survivor. As a tribe theyll get a machete and a pot and a map and a well of water. This is the least theyve ever given them. Well woo. Big deal. The more money Burnett makes, the less he spends on the show.
Jif revels in his moment centre-stage. The players dont even know yet that there are 3 tribes. Jif goes, They say theyre the best of the best, its time to prove it. Are they doomed to make the same mistakes? I think they may be doomed to die of thirst before they get a chance to make any mistakes, same or otherwise.
39 days, 18 all-stars, one survivor. Im kind of getting sick of that slogan. This show is coming to the end of its useful life. Everything about it is starting to make me ill. Still here I am, and here all you are, watching it. This better be good.
The theme music is having a real hard time tonight, getting through all the noise. It meets its next opponent in the form of over-dubbed animal noises and/or human squealing. All the players are shown with some flora and fauna, and, opening sequence done, its time for Jif to kick it once more in Voice-Over Mode. This is the most competitive game ever and the players are the most memorable ever. So lets meet the little whiners, shall we?
Mogo Mogo Green Buffs
At first glance, this tribe name offers little in the way of twisted nicknames. In fact it took a while to think up something that really went with these mugs.
Jenna Morasca, winner of Amazon (S6), received an automatic invitation, but ugh. I was a MattLover and find it difficult to be overjoyed at Jennas re-appearance. I console myself with the fact that Heidi is not here as well.
Kathy Vavrick OBrien, Marquesas (S4) had me rooting for her mostly because there was no-one else to root for. I mean, Neleh? Blech. Will Kathy learn from her experience and just let her boobs hang out? Time will tell. Im remembering her more fondly from the middle portion of her season, after she got her game together and started to strategize, and choosing not to dwell on her raucous screeching and squawking or her stupid mistake at the end.
Richard Hatch, winner Pulau Tiga (S1), danced naked on his birthday and was I the only one hoping his birthday didnt occur during the filming of S8? Hes received grudging respect over the years, which he appears to have flushed down the toilet in Ep 1.
Colby Donaldson, Outback (S2). Millions drooled over him, and hes not sticky. There werent that many "Studly He-Men" to choose from and luckily Colby is looking as good as ever. Im glad hes not on the same tribe as Tina or Jerri.
Lex van den Berghe, Africa (S3), definitely earned his way onto the ASS playing field for having been a memorable character. Like him or loathe him, you couldnt miss him. I didnt like him that much then, but if he starts up with his gut, Ill be ready to boot him in it.
Shii Ann Huang, Thailand (S5) ShiiAnn is the only Asian as well as the only representative of her season. Shes representin! I like her, and hope she doesnt get fooled again. At least not with the same ploy.
Saboga Tribe Yellow Buffs
Another difficult-to-reinvent tribe name. Perhaps MB is onto me? I have to stretch how about Sabotage? Or Some Boogers? Boogie Woogie Bugle Bugs? Somebody slap me.
Rudy Boesch, Pulau Tiga (S1) If not the best-loved contestant ever, Rudy is definitely among the top 3. Gotta hand it to the 75 year old - he lasted one whole game and is back for more. With Rudy and Jerri on the same tribe, will there be a fight over the cooking?
Tina Wesson, winner Outback (S2). I dont recall totally hating Tina; I just wanted Colby to win S2. She has technically earned her place, but I have to say, Im not looking forward to her shrivelled face and gigantic fake tits. Hopefully she wont be around long enough for those ghastly physical transformations to occur.
Jenna Lewis, Pulau Tiga (S1.) Shes not an "All-Star" in my view. Will she get a letter from home? We can only hope -- not! Oooh how mean I am. She was pretty, I guess. Hmm. Pretty vacant.
Ethan Zohn, winner Africa (S3). Ethan is cute, but if hes as bland as last time, Ill call him Ethan Zonked. Bring on the irate letters from the readership. Whose coattails will he ride in on this time?
Jerri Manthey, Outback (S2), is into being a mega-bitch. It takes the fun out of hating her for being a mega-bitch. She proclaimed herself the bitch when she appeared on the Joe Schmo Show. Shes been on The Surreal Life. Desperate for attention? She hasnt been on The Bachelor yet.
Rupert Boneham, Pearl Islands (S7) - Pirate man is still loved by many, in spite of his rather petulant and whiny exit speech. Hes also memorable, even if you didnt particularly like him. With whom will he bond? With whom will he clash? How long before hes bleating at somebody?
Chapera Tribe Red Buffs
The name Chapera didnt offer much in the way of mockery and twisted reworking. But when Jifs pronunciation made it sound like Shapira it wasnt long before Schleppera and the Schleps was born.
Rob Cesternino, Amazon (S6) Successful Retard. As my friend Elisabeth says, hes a dog and an idiot, but he knew how to play the game. This guy annoyed me a lot, but if having to endure him means not having to endure a repeat performance from Yawnie Fairplay, Ill survive.
Rob Mariano, Marquesas (S4) Boston Rob was my kind of bad guy. Cute, didnt take the whole thing too seriously. Will his charm work on his new teammates? Probably not, but it will be fun to watch him try it.
Alicia "I will always wave my finger in your face" Calaway, booted from the Outback before her time, is back to bitch another day. Shes nice looking but too nasty to be considered a cute girl.
Sue Hawk, Pulau Tiga (S1.) Even if you missed the first season, there are few people who watch the show who dont know about this woman and her infamous Snake/Rat speech. Sue is a hard worker and a no-nonsense type of person. Will she take a shine to young Amber? I always wondered about Sues orientation if you know what I mean. Anyway, Sues feisty and Im glad to see her back.
Amber Brkich, Outback (S2), on the other hand, is the Cutest Girl Ever. Her name and phsyique totally lend themselves to Birch Tree. Yet, after Assten wimped out spectacularly, this girl signing up for another attempt demands some respect. Either shes courageous or stupid. Oh wait. You know what I mean. Dont you? Never mind all the crap about strategy and Ive just come from an offseason Survivor game that was ALL about the backstabbing so add that to the rough conditions and I just have to give some props. Im prepared to see what she does before turning on the mega-hate.
Tom Buchanan, Africa (S3) Tom is pretty much alone in his own category of Survivor types, representing "Dirty Old Man." I could have done without seeing him again. I suppose he is memorable and he did make it to the final 4 of his season. I just dont much care to see what he does with his second shot at the game.
Okay enough with the color-coding.
Schleppera, Day 1. Rob The Toilet Cisternerino is ready to wheel. Also to deal, build shelters, win challenges and turf people out. Im tired of him already. I mean, you try to make sense out of what he just said. Tom is back with almost the same old garbled indecipherable gobbledy-goop he used last time. But not quite. Hey those reading lessons really helped. I can make out 2 words for every 10 uttered. Woohoo Tom! Hes 48 and this is fer the big boys. Boston Rob still mumbles; I think he thinks its sexy. Nothing will help him. He pronounces his take on the season: Nobody trusts anybody. Then he says it again. And again.
They find the map to the water, and while they walk, Alicia notes the weirdness of already knowing each other. Its weird. They find the water, and ToiletRob cautions against drinking it without boiling it. The well water is gonna be highly contaminated if you dont boil it. He oughta know.
BostonRob immediately climbs a tree to begin hacking down palm fronds. Looks like hes turned over a new leaf. Get it? Haha I crack myself up. ToiletRob says cuz they dont have anything to build a fire with, making shelter is their primary concern. As Tom tells us, It wodnt fibe midnits, thay wurs sex diprin idears. Its not going well, in other words. Sue thinks shes vulnerable and will definitely be the first one out because shes outspoken. She seems to bond with Toilet-Rob. Who'd a thunk? BostonRob DRs he didnt think hed be again on a Buffoon Tribe, but as far as he can tell, hes the brains of the operation. Where is Amber? Is she down for the count already? Shes a lot smarter than you might think.
Some Boogers, Day 1. Tina annoys me already. Ethan has annoyingly characterized his teammates, in order of importance: the Mom (Tina), the Nice Guy (Rupert), Rudy, The Military Guy and : Jerri, The Hot Chick. He doesnt supply a name for Jenna L. (the LooneyTune) or himself (Dopey.)
Tina calls Rudy to come over and look at the map. He murmurs, What do I look like, Magellan? Haha, and the group titters. Tina DRs shes doing this for the life experience, not for the money. When she kicks the bucket all shell have will be her life experiences. And I thought the point of life experiences was to enjoy them when youre old, not when youre dead. Silly me, eh? She is such a dipstick. Rupert DRs hes the new guy and these people all know each other. Somebody already said that. Were into the repetition already? But knowing each other and liking each other are two different things. Havent even had a commercial break yet.
Rupert decides to try being a quiet guy, standing back and letting others direct the activities. That ought to last exactly one episode. Jenna L. finds bananas and babbles at her group that they arent quite ripe yet. Oh look, Magilla Babies! Jenna L. then ducks into a convenient DR to say that with 2 previous winners on her tribe, it will be so easy to target them. She might last an episode, too, with bad luck.
Jerri the Hot Bitch is also going to try a new strategy the calmer gentler Bitch with a storehouse of knowledge on how to keep her mouth shut. Again, likely to last about one episode, then shell run out of stuff she learned on other reality shows. She DRs about the potential brain parasites in unboiled water and cautions these arent to be taken lightly. Shes probably thinking about those parasites in the tribe named Tina and how they arent to be taken lightly, either. Rudy confesses that hes drunk dirtier stuff than that all over the world and it never bothered him.
Mugsies, Day 1. We fly over to check out Shii Ann & Lex agreeing on the site for the shelter. Jenna M. is hard at work batting her eyelashes at Colby. Richard magnanimously discusses the need for breeze, which explains why he discards his clothing as soon as possible. Colby reiterates that they need fire and shelter and they know where the water is. Is he regressing? Lex DRs about how he laid awake at night for the past 2 years thinking about all the mistakes he made in Africa, and how grateful he is for the chance to return. What a suck-up.
Colby DRs that its never been done before, that no one has ever gone back to play this game twice (cough Outkasts cough. Lil anyone?) He continues that it is hard psychologically to return, knowing what kind of hardship lies ahead. Oh come on Colby, what kind of hardship did you endure? You won all the rewards. I dont see Colby going all the way.
Jenna talks about issues and how dumb are these people to come out and play this game again. Oh, this is totally All-Stupid Survivor. Even Jenna knows it. The smart ones stayed home.
Jenna M & Kathy take off for somewhere, so Shii Ann makes an effort not to be left out. Of course, butting into other peoples alliances doesnt make for a good start either.
I had no idea Colby was so small. Look at him standing next to Diquehead Hatch. Maybe its just that Hatch is so damn big. He could do ads for Big & Tall. He calls Colby honey. Eww. That is so ewww. And look at Colbys face freeze, with the multitude of thoughts, Oh my god, this is worse than Jerri. There is NO way this man is sleeping near me. No. Way.
Dique DRs that people are paranoid, and that he ought to be as well. He approaches Kathy to let her know he overheard the girls saying they dont trust the guys, and pinky-swearing on girlpower and so on. He spills his guts to Colby & Lex to really rub it in how fab he is at spotting alliance chatter. So everyone laughs together, airing the dirty laundry. The other girls appear out of nowhere. The budget for this show sucks. No supplies. No editorial capability.
All Stupid Survivor is what in fact this series is turning out to be.
Introduction
Survivor on right after the Game?! TV Guide is worth buying? It said 10 pm and it will happen at 10 pm.
Real time? What's real time? My life is one edited sequence of inter-personal transactions after another. Its almost 10 p.m. and with only 3.26 minutes left on the clock in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl, the game better be over soon. Right? The show will begin any minute now, cuz I got friends and...
Wrong.
Rudy was removed from the game last week. No. wait, that's this week and I'm about to recap the first night and I must try to get the tense just right to assist the delicate sensibilities of feminists and metrosexuals everywhere.
Back to Week 1.
Uh-oh. With my tape set for 10 pm, I pick the game back up. At 1:08 left in the SuperBowl, the Carolina Thingamy-jigs score a touchdown and make the lame-o easy conversion kick. Score is tied at 29. Ya know, in rugby, the spot in the scoring zone where the ball is placed determines the balls location in the field for the conversion. If you want to place the ball right in front, you have to score between the goalposts.
Actually, why the hell is the Super Bowl worth having on ahead? I guess it would make a big night of it for the West Coasters. We east-coasters can just suck on it for a change. The only thing that having the Super Bowl on before the opening episode of Survivor is all about, is to get us good & pissed off for the introduction of the whiniest whiners ever, or in this case, whom we thought wed never have to lay eyes on again.
Anyway the score is fuckin tied, with only a fuckin minute to go. I dont care which fuckin team wins it, as long as its won in regulation time. Somebody needs to score in :51, :44, :15. Fifteen seconds left on the clock and time-out time again.
To make things worse, the station keep promoting Survivor as coming up right after this nonsense finishes. The theme music struggles to be heard over the squalling and squealing from the field of play and/or the stadiumful of fans.Half an hour ago there were 3.26 minutes left on the clock. Is any other game in the world capable of elongating 3:26 minutes into 32.6? 8 seconds on the clock, and the announcers are burbling about a field goal attempt by the team closer to the goal. Is that the Patriots? Oh, now there are 9 seconds left. Great. Will it never end?
Yay. Field goal. Woohoo. The Patriots win, and this is now officially over. Oh, its not. Fer petes sake, what can be done with 4 seconds? Okay, NOW its over. No? Post-game show. Post game show? Aaaaccccckkkkk.
Finally, the Super Bowl and all its pre-show, half-time and post-show hoopla are history. Well, until the next days newspapers, when I found out I missed Janet Jacksons right tit getting its own 15 minutes of fame during half-time thanks to Justin Timbertit.
It begins!
10:56 p.m. and finally time for Survivor All-Stars! WooHoo. Rupert! Sue! Colby! Kathy! Rudy! Amber! Amber? Wait a minute. Amber is an All-Star? She did a fine job of riding coat-tails, I think we could agree. Obviously when MBs first, second and third choices didnt pan out, he had to keep inviting until he got 18 contestants to agree to be on A.S.S. Explains the presence of Rob Mariano, Jenna Lewis and Tom Buchanan.
A fleet of Spanish military naval runabouts accompanies our fearsome whiners, as they tootle in the general direction of their islands. Jif busts a gut and a lung to shout over the whirr of machinery. Jif screeches that the military escort was necessary to ensure top secrecy, er their safe arrival. Some people really believe Pirates of the Caribbean is a true story, I guess. And Jif, was it too much trouble to re-do that bit in the studio? I bet the fleet was more about surveillance than protection. Just keeping an eye on Mark Burnett & Co. to make sure they didnt destroy any other ancient landmarks in the vicinity. We get helicopter-eye view of the teams on their boats with tribe names easily visible. According to the translation, the groups all headed out at different times, to maintain the secrecy.
Jif continues to bleat the backstory. Each player has been given one canteen and very little information, as onscreen we watch three boats speed along three separate inlets of water. So, theyre keeping them in the dark. This is All Stupid Survivor. As a tribe theyll get a machete and a pot and a map and a well of water. This is the least theyve ever given them. Well woo. Big deal. The more money Burnett makes, the less he spends on the show.
Jif revels in his moment centre-stage. The players dont even know yet that there are 3 tribes. Jif goes, They say theyre the best of the best, its time to prove it. Are they doomed to make the same mistakes? I think they may be doomed to die of thirst before they get a chance to make any mistakes, same or otherwise.
39 days, 18 all-stars, one survivor. Im kind of getting sick of that slogan. This show is coming to the end of its useful life. Everything about it is starting to make me ill. Still here I am, and here all you are, watching it. This better be good.
The theme music is having a real hard time tonight, getting through all the noise. It meets its next opponent in the form of over-dubbed animal noises and/or human squealing. All the players are shown with some flora and fauna, and, opening sequence done, its time for Jif to kick it once more in Voice-Over Mode. This is the most competitive game ever and the players are the most memorable ever. So lets meet the little whiners, shall we?
Mogo Mogo Green Buffs
At first glance, this tribe name offers little in the way of twisted nicknames. In fact it took a while to think up something that really went with these mugs.
Jenna Morasca, winner of Amazon (S6), received an automatic invitation, but ugh. I was a MattLover and find it difficult to be overjoyed at Jennas re-appearance. I console myself with the fact that Heidi is not here as well.
Kathy Vavrick OBrien, Marquesas (S4) had me rooting for her mostly because there was no-one else to root for. I mean, Neleh? Blech. Will Kathy learn from her experience and just let her boobs hang out? Time will tell. Im remembering her more fondly from the middle portion of her season, after she got her game together and started to strategize, and choosing not to dwell on her raucous screeching and squawking or her stupid mistake at the end.
Richard Hatch, winner Pulau Tiga (S1), danced naked on his birthday and was I the only one hoping his birthday didnt occur during the filming of S8? Hes received grudging respect over the years, which he appears to have flushed down the toilet in Ep 1.
Colby Donaldson, Outback (S2). Millions drooled over him, and hes not sticky. There werent that many "Studly He-Men" to choose from and luckily Colby is looking as good as ever. Im glad hes not on the same tribe as Tina or Jerri.
Lex van den Berghe, Africa (S3), definitely earned his way onto the ASS playing field for having been a memorable character. Like him or loathe him, you couldnt miss him. I didnt like him that much then, but if he starts up with his gut, Ill be ready to boot him in it.
Shii Ann Huang, Thailand (S5) ShiiAnn is the only Asian as well as the only representative of her season. Shes representin! I like her, and hope she doesnt get fooled again. At least not with the same ploy.
Saboga Tribe Yellow Buffs
Another difficult-to-reinvent tribe name. Perhaps MB is onto me? I have to stretch how about Sabotage? Or Some Boogers? Boogie Woogie Bugle Bugs? Somebody slap me.
Rudy Boesch, Pulau Tiga (S1) If not the best-loved contestant ever, Rudy is definitely among the top 3. Gotta hand it to the 75 year old - he lasted one whole game and is back for more. With Rudy and Jerri on the same tribe, will there be a fight over the cooking?
Tina Wesson, winner Outback (S2). I dont recall totally hating Tina; I just wanted Colby to win S2. She has technically earned her place, but I have to say, Im not looking forward to her shrivelled face and gigantic fake tits. Hopefully she wont be around long enough for those ghastly physical transformations to occur.
Jenna Lewis, Pulau Tiga (S1.) Shes not an "All-Star" in my view. Will she get a letter from home? We can only hope -- not! Oooh how mean I am. She was pretty, I guess. Hmm. Pretty vacant.
Ethan Zohn, winner Africa (S3). Ethan is cute, but if hes as bland as last time, Ill call him Ethan Zonked. Bring on the irate letters from the readership. Whose coattails will he ride in on this time?
Jerri Manthey, Outback (S2), is into being a mega-bitch. It takes the fun out of hating her for being a mega-bitch. She proclaimed herself the bitch when she appeared on the Joe Schmo Show. Shes been on The Surreal Life. Desperate for attention? She hasnt been on The Bachelor yet.
Rupert Boneham, Pearl Islands (S7) - Pirate man is still loved by many, in spite of his rather petulant and whiny exit speech. Hes also memorable, even if you didnt particularly like him. With whom will he bond? With whom will he clash? How long before hes bleating at somebody?
Chapera Tribe Red Buffs
The name Chapera didnt offer much in the way of mockery and twisted reworking. But when Jifs pronunciation made it sound like Shapira it wasnt long before Schleppera and the Schleps was born.
Rob Cesternino, Amazon (S6) Successful Retard. As my friend Elisabeth says, hes a dog and an idiot, but he knew how to play the game. This guy annoyed me a lot, but if having to endure him means not having to endure a repeat performance from Yawnie Fairplay, Ill survive.
Rob Mariano, Marquesas (S4) Boston Rob was my kind of bad guy. Cute, didnt take the whole thing too seriously. Will his charm work on his new teammates? Probably not, but it will be fun to watch him try it.
Alicia "I will always wave my finger in your face" Calaway, booted from the Outback before her time, is back to bitch another day. Shes nice looking but too nasty to be considered a cute girl.
Sue Hawk, Pulau Tiga (S1.) Even if you missed the first season, there are few people who watch the show who dont know about this woman and her infamous Snake/Rat speech. Sue is a hard worker and a no-nonsense type of person. Will she take a shine to young Amber? I always wondered about Sues orientation if you know what I mean. Anyway, Sues feisty and Im glad to see her back.
Amber Brkich, Outback (S2), on the other hand, is the Cutest Girl Ever. Her name and phsyique totally lend themselves to Birch Tree. Yet, after Assten wimped out spectacularly, this girl signing up for another attempt demands some respect. Either shes courageous or stupid. Oh wait. You know what I mean. Dont you? Never mind all the crap about strategy and Ive just come from an offseason Survivor game that was ALL about the backstabbing so add that to the rough conditions and I just have to give some props. Im prepared to see what she does before turning on the mega-hate.
Tom Buchanan, Africa (S3) Tom is pretty much alone in his own category of Survivor types, representing "Dirty Old Man." I could have done without seeing him again. I suppose he is memorable and he did make it to the final 4 of his season. I just dont much care to see what he does with his second shot at the game.
Okay enough with the color-coding.
Schleppera, Day 1. Rob The Toilet Cisternerino is ready to wheel. Also to deal, build shelters, win challenges and turf people out. Im tired of him already. I mean, you try to make sense out of what he just said. Tom is back with almost the same old garbled indecipherable gobbledy-goop he used last time. But not quite. Hey those reading lessons really helped. I can make out 2 words for every 10 uttered. Woohoo Tom! Hes 48 and this is fer the big boys. Boston Rob still mumbles; I think he thinks its sexy. Nothing will help him. He pronounces his take on the season: Nobody trusts anybody. Then he says it again. And again.
They find the map to the water, and while they walk, Alicia notes the weirdness of already knowing each other. Its weird. They find the water, and ToiletRob cautions against drinking it without boiling it. The well water is gonna be highly contaminated if you dont boil it. He oughta know.
BostonRob immediately climbs a tree to begin hacking down palm fronds. Looks like hes turned over a new leaf. Get it? Haha I crack myself up. ToiletRob says cuz they dont have anything to build a fire with, making shelter is their primary concern. As Tom tells us, It wodnt fibe midnits, thay wurs sex diprin idears. Its not going well, in other words. Sue thinks shes vulnerable and will definitely be the first one out because shes outspoken. She seems to bond with Toilet-Rob. Who'd a thunk? BostonRob DRs he didnt think hed be again on a Buffoon Tribe, but as far as he can tell, hes the brains of the operation. Where is Amber? Is she down for the count already? Shes a lot smarter than you might think.
Some Boogers, Day 1. Tina annoys me already. Ethan has annoyingly characterized his teammates, in order of importance: the Mom (Tina), the Nice Guy (Rupert), Rudy, The Military Guy and : Jerri, The Hot Chick. He doesnt supply a name for Jenna L. (the LooneyTune) or himself (Dopey.)
Tina calls Rudy to come over and look at the map. He murmurs, What do I look like, Magellan? Haha, and the group titters. Tina DRs shes doing this for the life experience, not for the money. When she kicks the bucket all shell have will be her life experiences. And I thought the point of life experiences was to enjoy them when youre old, not when youre dead. Silly me, eh? She is such a dipstick. Rupert DRs hes the new guy and these people all know each other. Somebody already said that. Were into the repetition already? But knowing each other and liking each other are two different things. Havent even had a commercial break yet.
Rupert decides to try being a quiet guy, standing back and letting others direct the activities. That ought to last exactly one episode. Jenna L. finds bananas and babbles at her group that they arent quite ripe yet. Oh look, Magilla Babies! Jenna L. then ducks into a convenient DR to say that with 2 previous winners on her tribe, it will be so easy to target them. She might last an episode, too, with bad luck.
Jerri the Hot Bitch is also going to try a new strategy the calmer gentler Bitch with a storehouse of knowledge on how to keep her mouth shut. Again, likely to last about one episode, then shell run out of stuff she learned on other reality shows. She DRs about the potential brain parasites in unboiled water and cautions these arent to be taken lightly. Shes probably thinking about those parasites in the tribe named Tina and how they arent to be taken lightly, either. Rudy confesses that hes drunk dirtier stuff than that all over the world and it never bothered him.
Mugsies, Day 1. We fly over to check out Shii Ann & Lex agreeing on the site for the shelter. Jenna M. is hard at work batting her eyelashes at Colby. Richard magnanimously discusses the need for breeze, which explains why he discards his clothing as soon as possible. Colby reiterates that they need fire and shelter and they know where the water is. Is he regressing? Lex DRs about how he laid awake at night for the past 2 years thinking about all the mistakes he made in Africa, and how grateful he is for the chance to return. What a suck-up.
Colby DRs that its never been done before, that no one has ever gone back to play this game twice (cough Outkasts cough. Lil anyone?) He continues that it is hard psychologically to return, knowing what kind of hardship lies ahead. Oh come on Colby, what kind of hardship did you endure? You won all the rewards. I dont see Colby going all the way.
Jenna talks about issues and how dumb are these people to come out and play this game again. Oh, this is totally All-Stupid Survivor. Even Jenna knows it. The smart ones stayed home.
Jenna M & Kathy take off for somewhere, so Shii Ann makes an effort not to be left out. Of course, butting into other peoples alliances doesnt make for a good start either.
I had no idea Colby was so small. Look at him standing next to Diquehead Hatch. Maybe its just that Hatch is so damn big. He could do ads for Big & Tall. He calls Colby honey. Eww. That is so ewww. And look at Colbys face freeze, with the multitude of thoughts, Oh my god, this is worse than Jerri. There is NO way this man is sleeping near me. No. Way.
Dique DRs that people are paranoid, and that he ought to be as well. He approaches Kathy to let her know he overheard the girls saying they dont trust the guys, and pinky-swearing on girlpower and so on. He spills his guts to Colby & Lex to really rub it in how fab he is at spotting alliance chatter. So everyone laughs together, airing the dirty laundry. The other girls appear out of nowhere. The budget for this show sucks. No supplies. No editorial capability.
